BANKER WANKER

Running Away

2011-04-14T09:47:00.001+08:00

I used to run a fair bit, until my knees and lack of discipline gave way.I ran (attempted) recently and almost killed myself at the park, swear to God the monkeys were looking at me funny as I was trying to catch my breath after a measly 15 minute jog, huffing and puffing like a dog in heat. Needless to say the knees were hurting a fair bit, crap, I felt really old then. As I sat on the ground, soaking up the morning air, kneading my knees absent mindedly, I watched my surroundings and I still could recognise some of the regulars. Some young, some middle aged, some not so young; all looking fit and largely unaffected (like a still picture) despite my prolonged absence. The regular exercise must be doing them some good. Some are still jogging furiously as ever, looking intent in trying to finish up their weekly quota of miles. I admire their perseverance grudgingly, wondering if health was the only reason that drove them. As cliche as it sounds, running is not merely physical but very much mental as well. And perhaps this is the explanation for the contrast between my tubby physic and the regulars here with their toned and taut physic. Other than pure will power, they seem to have purpose, a destinaton, a goal that they intent to meet. They are running with the future in mind, and what lies ahead. I, on the other hand, am running from the past, not caring what lies ahead for fear of meeting demons that have appeared in the past.

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Its official, my networth is a million as of this month thanks to a couple of property investments. Ask me 10 years back and I would have been jumping with joy and ticking off one more milestone in the to-do list. But its inherently meaningless to me now and a million nowadays doesn't get you very far anyway.

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Daphne Iking (Dahlia now) in FHM...I was so smitten by her years back.

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Sorry for not writing for so long, I have been travelling a fair bit and trying to get the regional deals going. I hope everyone is fine and dandy.

And you wonder why I am like this....

2011-03-01T17:11:00.000+08:00

Got off the flight at 7.30 p.m, was at the ultra exclusive hotel by 9 p.m after battling traffic in this archipelago. Quick shower, quick bite and was burning some cash on the roulette and baccarat table in no time. Got into bed by 1a.m, set the alarm for 7a.m to prepare for a 9.30 am meeting. Fast forward, 9.30 a.m meeting done, quick bite with the local boss, hit the road quickly thereafter, heading towards final meeting on the other side of the city. Punched in quick emails on the BB feeling slightly dizzy from drive. A quick touch base session with the CFO, threw some ideas, he liked it, promises for a formal proposal made. Just in time for the return flight though marginally worried that local traffic might be a pain. Punched more emails on the way to the airport. Check-in and everything was a blur after that. Touch down, local time, slightly over 12 midnight. Got into bed after 1, alarm set at 6 a.m. Fun right?

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Sick of:

- Office politics and staff not pulling their weight
- Gossip mongers who can’t get their facts right
- Justin Bieber (sorry Bieber fans, but jelak la seeing him
everywhere. And sorry kay, they did choose the right artist for the
award he didn’t win.)
- Feeling like I am 50
- Having to swallow pills every morning
- Not being able to pull away from the white scirroco on some
mornings (Dammit, I so want one now, give me mine in black please)

I wish for:

- The black scirroco
- Loads of sleep
- My work BB to die and never get resurrected
- My peers to pull their weight
- Better staff
- Better bosses (Fantasy hor)
- Abs with definition (A bigger fantasy hor)

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Overheard in Banker Wanker’s universe:

Banker Wanker: “So, anyway, I truly believe you would know for certain who your soulmate is, eventhough more often than not, its ironically always at the wrong time and place. And sometimes, you would meet that special someone who will open that hidden place in your heart that you never knew existed, and show you what it means to be totally in love with someone genuinely, to totally connect..”

Soulmate: “Wow…have you met that special someone?”

Banker Wanker: “Yeah….but wrong time and place. You may meet that someone,but you can’t do anything about it….obviously if I had the chance to turn back the clock, I would have done some things differently. Sigh….would you have done it differently if you were given the chance to turn back the clock? Who would you have chosen from your ex-s or would you still choose to stay with Mr X? Someone you really connected with...."

Soulmate: *pauses for a moment* “If it were possible….I would have chosed you”

The irony of it all huh….*rams rusty fork into chest*

Sapu Semua

2011-01-27T11:50:00.000+08:00

Omigosh,I am getting closer to uncle-hood,I have a confession to make. Am staying in a swanky hotel for the past week and all I can think of after a full day of mumbo jumbo and networking is how many Loccitane shower gel and soap bars I am going to accumulate before I check out so that I can show the Queen and Bumblebee my impressive stash of premium soap. 5 tubes of shower gel and 5 pieces of soap bars...champion...hmmm...should I start a body lotion collection too?.....hmmmm...oooo *distracted* shoe cream....

My excuse; I am compelled to act beyond my norm as it is the Queen's request to bring back a stash. The Penang-ite in her is quite apparent when it comes to hotel shower gel, and I blame it on the Queen’s mum, who I understand is also an afficionado of hotel room consumables. While I have this fear of having to open my bag at immigration come one fine day, with dozens of mini bottles and soap bars tumbling out, being stared at by a group of stewardess standing behind me; I have turned this hoarding into a mini challenge. My best haul for a 4 day stay was 7 shower gels, 5 shampoo gels and 8 large soap bars. Its embarassing la….

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Overheard in Bankerland

Shuttlecock: “Tell me, how do you do it, how do you network and market for transactions? You are doing well with some deals done regionally and I want to learn from you”
Banker Wanker: *almost chocked on sugary donut* “Err, I just do a lot of travelling….”
Shuttlecock: “We should form an alliance since I am in my new position now and my scope is complementary to your coverage and scope”
Banker Wanker: “But we may have to sleep together, err, I mean share the same room since Capon is quite particular about cost.”
Shuttlecock: *Gives coy 40 year old virgin maid smile*
Banker Wanker: *omfg…..stuffs remaining donut into big mouth as best as I could, hoping it doesn’t look suggestive in any manner, scampers out like a dingo in the water*

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Tong tong tong chiang…CNY around the corner. I need to shop for my yearly lucky boxers. Bagi ketat punya so that all the $$$ won’t fall out.

Thank you for the music...

2011-01-06T08:52:00.000+08:00

“Drop the last year into the silent limbo of the past. Let it go, for it was imperfect, and thank God that it can go.” – Brooks Atkinson

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There are times when I would be floored by an insatiable need to hear music, and that’s when I will hit the stores (yes, old fashion me, but owning CDs is sort of a childhood promise I made to myself) to see if I can find any interesting releases. I am game for any genre and tend to go on gut-feel, some prior sampling and a good dose of open-mindedness; and more often than not, I would uncover some gems along the way. I was hankering for some new music last week, and decided to pop into a chain with Bumblebee. Playing overhead was a song with a pretty catchy beat and it was then I caught Bumblebee moving both his hands in the air to the beat of the song, like some feng-tou dance, baby style. It was brilliant. The boy has some music in him afterall (the moves will come later, once I am done teaching him how to dance the imaginary-knife-cutting-the-air dance ). And like my late dad who used to imbue me with music i.e classical guitar classes, music books and concerts, I hope my love for music would rub of on Bumblebee as well. I have been thinking a lot about how my late dad has influenced me as a kid (the good bits), despite the short period of time spent together and tragic circumstances on the family and career front. And as flawed as I am, I do hope that Bumblebee will have some good bits to see him through life too....dance on Bumblebee…

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Skyline
Ok ok only, tried to be different but was lukewarm at best. Awesome scene involving US Airforce (but of course, it can only be the great You-Ass-Aye) jets dogfighting with alient crafts.

Narnia
Blibical references aplenty, good special effects…but a tad too sterilized for my liking.

Tron
3D effects, great. Storyline, like yesterday’s tea. Chick from House, in Tron glowy suit, sizzling.

Harry Potter, 1st part of last installment
Read the book, decent adaptation. Still think its too dark for kids.

Omigosh, Captain America, Thor and Green Lantern this year. Can’t wait to watch them alone

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Changes in Bankerland

- New bosses everywhere, with Capon being the only constant
- Capon acting like a retired general….(ohh, wait a minute, that hasn’t changed from the past..ooppps)
- Small Dick has left the building for good…I feel sad for him that it didn’t work out here, but good riddance to someone who consciously decided that he would be a pain in the arse prior to his departure.
- New colleagues, among others, Selfish-Twig, Eager Beaver and Bree

I expect to see a lot more changes this year in Bankerland, and while some may not be desirable, it is still going to be exciting to see how the business will grow. Game face on, let’s go.

Back To December

2010-12-28T09:42:00.000+08:00

1….big baby in the form of Bumblebee who turned one recently.
2….times this year that I heard the words “I love you” expressed to me.
3….properties thus far, to flog off two by next year.
4….deals closed this year, I kickass.
5….fingers on right hand were very active this year…sex, what’s that again?

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So there I was, nursing a sprained back and a double shot latte at hand, sitting down on one of the shopping mall benches (rare find during holiday season) watching Bumblebee terrorize the kids who were crowding around a giant Christmas tree. He looked like he had his double shot latte already, hardly wincing after repeated falls (still losing his balance when he gets too excited) and hitting his head on what must be a giant reindeer from his tiny perspective. I looked quizzingly at my 2nd cup of caffeine which was doing jackshit to my system, wondering like an old man if the barrista has decided to play coffee-grinch by substituting my drink with decaf. Oh boy, old, jaded and paranoid. I promised myself I won’t get into a melancholic mood this year end and start reflecting about what this year was about, it has never been easy for me, ever..and every year since turning 30 has decidedly been challenging as I grapple with a host of personal conflicts, failed relationships and the ever present “Its complicated” situations. Maybe it’s the way I like it….maybe for the lack of anything more engaging and purposeful, I have come to rely on these to remind myself that I am a being with feelings too, and because I feel, therefore I am alive….

Bumblebee has decided to hijack a red bauble from the tree and is heading towards the escalator in what must be a naïve hope to make a quick getaway..champion. I tore after him and felt a shot of pain from my back, hot latte scalding my hands….caught him, just…carried him with one hand while juggling my latte and felt another shot of pain. At this point, I have a smile etched on my face from Bumblebee’s antics and the pain…I am alive…

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I started this blog approximately one year back. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year everyone, thanks for reading and checking-in, it has played a part in keeping me sane :)

Taylor Swift - Back To December

I'm so glad you made time to see me
How's life, tell me how's your family
I haven't seen them in a while
You've been good, busier then ever
We small talk, work and the weather
Your guard is up and I know why

'Cause the last time you saw me
Is still burned in the back of your mind
You gave me roses and I left them there to die

So this is me swallowing my pride,
Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night
And I'd go back to december all the time
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing that I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I'd go back to december, turn around and make it all right and
I go back to december all the time

These days I haven't been sleeping
Staying up playing back myself leaving
When your birthday passed and I didn't call
And I think about summer, all the beautiful times
I watched you laughing from the passenger side,
Realized I loved you in the fall
And then the cold came, the dark days when fear crept into my mind
You gave me all your love and all I gave you was goodbye

So this is me swallowing my pride,
Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night
And I'd go back to december all the time
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing that I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I'd go back to december, turn around and change my own mind and
I go back to december all the time

I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile, so good to me, so right
And how you held me in your arms that September night,
The first time you ever saw me cry
Maybe this is wishful thinking
Probably mindless dreaming
If we loved again I swear I'd love you right

I'd go back in time and change it but I can't
So if the chain is on your door, I understand

Half of my heart

2010-11-03T18:03:00.000+08:00

Its November already, bejesus, it has been such a hectic year. November 11 marks a year since Sidekick left Bankerland for greener pastures. Although from her occasional ranting, it might have been some green and a lot of brown and blue.:) Hang in there Sidekick, April is just around the corner…*hot hatch, hot hatch, hot hatch*

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I often get fairly consistent and oh-so-predictable remarks or comments when I tell people what I do for a living. A typical conversation would go something like this:

Homo Sapien: “So, what do you do for a living Banker Wanker?”
Banker Wanker: “I am in the banking line”
Home Sapien: “Oh, what sort of banking are you in?”
Banker Wanker: *here we go again* “I am in the investment banking line”
Homo Sapien: [cue in Top 5 most common remarks/comments]

No.5 : “Ohh, are you with CIMB ah?” *Banker Wanker’s convoluted mind can’t decipher if that is an insult or compliment…eyes Homo Sapien suspiciously, thumb drive with pointy end ready to gorge Homo Sapien’s eyes out*

No.4 : “Ohh, what sort of investment do you invest in?” *Banker Wanker’s eyes glazes over, fantasizing about making a quick getaway by pretending to choke on the dainty hors d’oeuvre*

No.3 : “Ohh, eh, can I send my CV to you ah?” *Banker Wanker gives polite sure-thang-bro/sis nod*

No.2 : “Ohh, the ones that caused the sub-prime crisis laaaa…” *Homo Sapien laughs after comment, then stops laughing upon noticing that Banker Wanker is not politely laughing along*

No.1 : “Ahhh, you guys are the ones with high bonuses and nice cars laaaa…” *Home Sapien not so discreetly eyeing what watch Banker Wanker is wearing, then realizes its a Guess watch…Homo Sapien’s confused look, priceless*

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Mista John Mayer, you did it again, this is brilliant.

Half of my heart

I was born in the arms of imaginary friends
Free to roam made a home out of everywhere I've been
Then you come crashing in, like the realest thing
Trying my best to understand, all that your love can bring

Oh half of my heart has a grip on the situation
Half of my heart takes time
Half of my heart has a right mind to tell you that
I can't keep loving you(can't keep loving you)
Oh with half of my heart

I was made to believe I'd never love somebody else
Made a plan stay the man who could only love himself
Lonely was the song I sang, till the day you came
Showing my another way, and all that my love can bring

Oh half of my hearts got a grip on the situation
Half of my heart takes time
Half of my heart has a right mind to tell you that
I can't keep loving you(can't keep loving you)
Oh with half of my heart, with half of my heart

Your faith is strong, but I can only fall short for so long
Down the road, later on
You will hate that I never gave more to you
Then half of my heart

But I can't stop loving you(I can't stop loving you)
I can't stop loving you(I can't stop loving you)
I can't stop loving you, with half of my heart

Oh half of my heart
Half of my heart
Half of my heart has a real good imagination
Half of my hearts got you

Half of my hearts got a right mind to tell you that
Half of my heart won't do

Half of my heart in a shotgun wedding
To a bride with a paper ring

But half of my heart is the part of a man
Whose never truly loved anything

Malaysia got talent....meh?

2010-11-02T12:20:00.000+08:00

Mantra of the week:

*I will not buy the hot hatch, I will not buy the hot hatch, I will not buy the hot hatch*

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I have been house shopping again and house prices in the Klang Valley have really skyrocketed. And really, it is not just centered in the hotspots like Bangsar, Damansara and Hartamas where fundamentals and asset quality are largely intact, but in far flung places where you would never have considered in the past. Having said that, I am taking a contrarian stance to what the naysayers are saying, which is that a bubble is forming in the real estate market. After a 2 year lull since the crises, hoarders are now beginning to splash some cash and property asset seems to be benefitting from it. Look at the profiles of buyers and you would realize there is some serious liquidity sloshing around. And for a lot of these buyers, they are likely to have enough safety net to withstand a fall in valuation should any bubble burst. My mantra for now; if you are looking for a house to stay, and you have found a property that you like…get it quick, the market is just going to get hotter and good property at good locations these days are a dime in a dozen.

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The GOM is setting up a body to attract talent back onshore to reverse the brain drain problem that has plague the country for the longest time. WT-blooming-F.

Kudos for recognizing (albeit a tad too slow) that a good talent base is the foundations for a thriving, dynamic and high value chain economy. *clap clap*. But please, tolong la, do you really think setting up a taskforce is good enough? Talent will come back if; there is a story to our economy (Legoland and middle eastern investors don’t count), there is a level playing field regardless of background (ohhh, dirty word…meritocracy), the education system is not in its current shambolic state (oh for goodness sake, stop flipflopping on policies, every flipflop affects one future generation). These are only the tip of the iceberg, get real dear YBs.

Lastly, to finish off my rant, that smart legal graduate who recently got a slew of awards and distinctions from Cambridge and would be working in Singapore’s Legal Service…he is a product of Singapore’s education system. He is Malaysian by birth…but hell, he is a product of Singapore….I was cringing when I saw how the local newspapers were harping on the fact that he was a Malaysian rah-rah-rah..chest thumping articles. It is embarrassing. The fact that he wasn’t invited to have luncheon with PM and wife (historically, champion Malaysians will always makan rendang and nasi lemak with PM and wife mahh) shows that the powers to be knows that we can’t really claim fame for it.

I still love this country, but its like dating an average looking but supremely horny yet bitchy person…sometimes its hot, sometimes its cold.

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Overheard in Bankerland

Ditzy Chihuahua : *boing boing boing* “Hihi Banker Wanker” *chirpy sugary voice*
Banker Wanker : *slowly lifts head up* “Hi, what’s up?”
Ditzy Chihuahua : “Nothing much, the usual la, I am soooo tired, soooo much stuff to think about…you know”
Banker Wanker : “Yeah, it’s a bummer, our line requires so much thinking, it must hurt sometimes….”
Ditzy Chihuahua : *tilts head to left, quizzical look* “Uhuh….ogay, got to go now, see ya soon” *boing boing boing”

Eye candy yes, porch light on? No…

Mojo

2010-10-19T18:05:00.000+08:00

I have been reflecting alot about the past year and the many highs and lows that have peppered my work and personal life, and its about 50:50 for now. I am cruising along in my relatively new Japo ride, wearing some new clothes and a new tie that Moonlight bought for me, a healthy bank account and work is puttering along...so, it hasn't been too bad yeah. Sure, there was (and is a continuing situation) the fall out with the Queen, but that's not something fixable immediately..and maybe never. Bumblebee is the overriding factor now...and I suppose is the thin thread that binds me from falling into divorce-doom. Perhaps I need to recognize that my current state is going to be as good as it gets...and if that's truly so, then hell yeah, I am going to try to enjoy it while the good mojo last, cause the next fall could really be the one that breaks the camel's back. Short term gratification is truly my forte now...short term goals for now, don't ask me about life long purpose please...

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Moonlight, you are brilliant, thank you for being there when I needed you most. I miss ya....

Sidekick, where art thou....I hope you are well, see you soon...

Soulmate, the longing never ceases...far from sight, far from heart, I hope that works...

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Life in Bankerland is like a bad case of constipation with lego blocks up the chute at times...painful.

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Prices of landed properties in the Klang Valley has officially gone berserk. RM1.6 million...pah, easy peasy...*stocks up on maggi mee* *trains body to photosynthesize air*

Mesti ada gaya....

2010-09-30T11:14:00.000+08:00

People, when you have spawns of your own, make sure they never choose to make investment banking as a vocation. Steer them (ahem*force them*ahem) towards any other vocations, except a life as an investment banker. There is no value add to this world in pursuing this line of work, there is nothing it can offer that the world can’t do without…yeah, sure it pays the bills, sure, some people in the industry might look up to you as a BSD; but in comparison to a doctor, an engineer, an artisan…an i.banker is such a hollow profession. Maybe I am feverish with a case of career-romanticism, fantasizing about how my work can be noble, rewarding and profoundly important to society and the world at large. But who am I kidding….its the monkey suit, disposal shaving kits and blackberry for now, selling “innovation” like the world’s existence depended on it…what a load of bullcrap.

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I am posting this on my new swanky netbook with my new plug and play broadband. But I can’t promise if I can post more moving forth :(. This new role in Bankerland is sucking the life out of me…and its not even good sucking. *ahem*

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Overheard in Bankerland:

Capon : “Let me introduce you to Banker Wanker, he is our guy on the regional side of business”
Banker Wanker : *fui yoh* *stoned face* *thinking regional tag is becoming this gigantic fluff ball that I have no control over* *shakes hand, smiles* *trying to recall LIBOR closing rates* *thinking curry stain on shirt not very there* *thinking I need to develop Engrish accent like those cina cikus in foreign banks*...”No laaaa, just chopping the lalang for now only wannn”

Confirm, fail.

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Milla Jovovich can throw shirukens at me anytime. Ali Carter too, but after Milla kay.

Of lalangs and chrysanthemum drink

2010-09-13T10:05:00.000+08:00

Banker Wanker’s weekly ABCs:

A – Asshole spotted at the water cooler, pretending to be in deep thought for the longest time (with eyebrows all scrunched up), where in fact he was actually standing around to eavesdrop on a conversation close by.

B – Babe’s spotted in Bankerland….must be recruitment season again….

C – Carried Bumblebee, sprained my back. The boy is getting real heavy....someone said he looked like Winnie the Pooh -_-

D – Didn’t even notice that I have not been on a proper holiday for almost a year and a half

E – Emotionally drained

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I have a crush on this billboard face for McD’s value meal advertisements plastered all over the LRT pillars along Jalan Sultan Ismail. Her face is on the fifth pillar from the traffic lights at the Wisma Genting intersection (pillars on the right if you are coming from Bukit Bintang, count backwards from traffic lights). I am such a sucker for a pretty face….

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The long weekend was spent entertaining Bumblebee and cleaning after his poop. Lovely.

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When I was small, I used to follow my dad’s side of the family to their yearly visit to the ancestral’s grave somewhere in Selangor. Its more like an expedition really as the entourage has to brave through a hour’s walk consisting of 2 feet water and 1.5 meter high lalang before reaching the site (Think Viet war movies where the soldiers have to wad through slosh and lalang with guns raised up above head type of march). The leading guy would have to slash through the lalang, slowly making a path as we worm towards the site. You can imagine how fun this was for a 12 year old kid, especially so when I had my own mini parang to help out. I can still remember how the grass smells, how the brilliant green was illuminated by the scorching sun with brilliant blue skies overhead, the ‘nyek nyek’ sound of cheap rubber floppies sloshing through water and the refreshing feel of cool chrysanthemum drink (Yeo’s brand of course) after the day’s work.

I feel like I have to go through so much ‘lalang’ in my life right now and all I have is a butter knife to slash through them. Thoroughly demoralizing and absolutely pointless…..not even sure if there is going to be cool chrysanthemum drink at the end of it all...

What then....

2010-08-26T17:20:00.000+08:00

Overheard in Bankerland:

Isabella: “Did you cut and paste this entire paper? You didn’t even bother to make it your own?”
Small Dick: “Err…well, yes, I cut and pasted some. But not all….”
Isabella: “You sure not all? Lets take a sampling….here, word for word from the rating report”
Small Dick: “Err…..well, yes…blah blah blah (avalanche of excuses and beating around the bush)”

This seemingly innocent episode precipitated 2 days of coaching and mentoring and closed door mid year reviews that ended in much denial and amazing show of ego from Small Dick. It is about time he is shipped out….

Banker Wanker: “They are insinuating that I tell Capon about the things that go on in the department?”
Isabella: “Yeah, seems so. And that you have certain influence in some of the decisions made on certain individuals etc”
Banker Wanker: “I am real disappointed. I can’t tell if they are genuine now or are they just putting up a front to manage me…..”
Isabella: “I think they genuinely like and respect you, but perhaps with a tinge of wariness”
Banker Wanker: “That is really disappointing…the perception couldn’t be further than the truth”

Stay low, go slow, don’t blow.

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Buzzword in Bankerland : Regionalization

*Banker Wanker trying not to laugh out loud, keeping it all in…bbhrrrrppttttt*

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Omigosh, Sarah’s new album is amazing…..it dost talk to me so. I have been thinking so much about how I am leading my life now, the relationships that I am in, the numbing pain that throbs just below the surface and where I want to be in 10 years time. I am just living for the moment, trying not to look too far beyond today and tomorrow for fear that it is as good as it gets. On the bad nights, Sarah plays in my head, and the notion of leaving this life right now seems to be almost appealing...I could be ready to go you know...I could be.....

Awakenings by Sarah McLachlan

When we first met the well was dry
A long dark winter passed us by
With shooting stars and hopeful hearts our worlds collide
And so we rushed to fill each other in

Quick to feed our hungry hopes
A feast of our affections we were born anew
With open eyes we tried to make it work
And for a while the magic took
But cracks began to show as soon as things got hard

Like paper walls our feelings tore
We threw our backs against the door
Unwilling to bear witness to the other side

Oh, the games we play to hide the tangled dread inside
The fear that we are going nowhere fast
So we point the finger out, the anger gets so loud
It drowns out all the sorrow, at least until tomorrow...what then?

I took a good hard look at how I loved
Years I squandered falling fast
For any boy who'd have me was so insecure
I'd lie awake alone at night
Full of loathing, compromised
And wondering how the hell did I end up like this

Oh, the tears of rage I cried, when nowhere could I find
An answer that made any kind of sense to me
I point the finger out, the anger gets so loud
It drowns out all the sorrow, at least until tomorrow...what then?

Oh I wanna learn, I wanna know
Will our history crush us or can we let it go?
I'm not the girl I was but what have I become?
I'm not so willing anymore to bend
Still pleasing and conceding
But I'm not gonna lose myself again

Opening time

2010-08-17T10:13:00.000+08:00

I was in one of the many suburban malls in the Klang Valley on Saturday morning looking for my morning cuppa while I wait for my Japanese tin-can to be serviced. It was way before opening time for most of the shops, so I had to traverse the length of the mall back and forth to find a cosy corner. As I dragged my caffeine deprived legs, I couldn’t help but notice how strangely calming the sight and sounds of shop owners and workers preparing their shop and wares for the day’s opening were. The sound of shutters opening, vacuums, radios’ playing in the background, table and chairs being dragged into position; they all added to an interesting and almost hypnotic cacophony of sounds. For the briefest moment, the scene unfolding right then reminded me of what it felt like to be starting afresh, where the ‘shutters’ were closed the night before and much hope and expectations are placed in a new place or phase in life as one diligently places all their ‘wares’, offering everything they have in hope to find some measure of return, some happiness. Fleetingly, I felt hope again but I know for a fact too that there is no turning back for me now. Too little too late, c'est la vie. I finally found my cosy corner after much meandering, sat down with my cuppa and watched through the window as life passes by....

+++

Trending in Banker Wanker’s life at the moment:

1. Moonlight, its complicated
2. Bumblebee, on his walker terrorizing the furniture at home
3. Bankerland, slowwwww….wish things would move faster here
4. Alcohol…to numb the ache
5. Sex…the lack of it
6. Pork…poor substitute for 5
7. Sleep…to forget about 1,3 and 5

Dear Chums

2010-07-30T14:05:00.000+08:00

Open letter to the chums in Bankerland:

Dear chums,

Yes, I am aware I am relatively young and have climbed the so called corporate ladder quicker than most of you who are, well frankly, a lot older than me. And because of the age differential, you chums think that you have earned your stripes blah blah blah, and hence should not be upstaged by a younger ciku. Well, I am sorry if you feel somewhat discriminated. I didn’t exactly see you chums complaining when my team and I were busting our asses on multiple transactions while you sit on your high horses doing jack, jacking off. Or the time when there was an opportunity to undertake some new projects; where were the lot of you when the boss asked who is interested to drive them. So, yes, relative to you chums, I am in a slightly better off position, but not undeservingly so. Don’t be so silo-ed my dear chums. Bankerland is but a small fry in this big big world of ours. I am but on a snail pace in comparison to the bigger fishes out there. That would make you chums slower than a snail, but I digress.

Don’t be so tunneled my fellow chums, that is what got you in this predicament in the first place. But if you do wish to continue meandering in your tunnel, I hope your tunnel is nice and comfy and colorful like the tunnel that you crawl into in one of those colorful blown up bouncy castles at the shopping malls. I hear colors are great for a baby’s development. Enjoy.

Yours sincerely,

Banker Wanker

p/s : I will be getting a promotion soon too, drinks on me chums.

The Constant Banker

2010-07-27T15:54:00.000+08:00

It is 10 in the morning and I am enjoying the city’s foreign skyline from the highest floor of one of the best hotel that this city has to offer. I was lucky to be upgraded last night and the size of the room is enough to do some cart wheels with space to spare. Sigh, the view is excellent; I could sit here forever in this plush reading chair just staring into the skyline and doing some light reading. The din from the city is audible but only enough to be comforting and familiar, faint chatter emanating from the tv on the background provided some ambient sound to work myself into a relax mood. The work that needed to be done has been done, so it is down time now. I am exhausted and numb to a degree, but I am glad to be away from home. This morning, like many mornings that I have had in the past during my travels, I thought about the path that has led me to this very day, to this very moment. It has been a path fraught with much pain and disappointment and peppered with rare moments of success and getting something done right, at the right time. Abundance of luck appears to be the dominant theme. It could have been better, but it is not the worst, so that’s me settling again. I thought about how things have changed significantly in the last 9 months or so. I have changed, people around me too. Sidekick, Soulmate, Moonlight and the Queen have all changed too; for better or for worst, that’s not for me to judge. The only thing that has remained constant is the way I feel each time I stand in my hotel room, in a foreign land, alone, looking out into the skyline from the window. I will be in another foreign land next week and I look forward to the view from my hotel room again. Maybe one day, I would be able to share this with someone that matters…maybe some day, but not for now and maybe never. Time will tell if that’s a constant too…..

Ick ick..ma ma ma

2010-07-20T16:07:00.000+08:00

Banker Wanker apologises for not writing much these past 2 weeks. I have been on the road a bit and would be for a while until the dust settles in Bankerland. I have been thinking of buying a netbook for portability as I often find myself bursting with things to write, and like a dream, I would struggle recalling them the next day when I do find myself in a position to write a post. I do occasionally type them into my blackberry, but the thought of accidentally sending it to a contact or worst still to my colleagues limits my foray into this mode of note taking. Yes, yes, I hear you, move with the times Banker Wanker. I think a voice recorder with a function to then transpose recordings to text would be awesome. I am certain it is out there, but probably not on a commercial basis yet.

+++

Overheard in Bankerland:

Snoop Dawg : “Do you think its normal if I draw diagrams for everything?”
Banker Wanker : “Yes it is. I hear spastic children draw them all the time. No worries dude”
Snoop Dawg : “I have been called a retard la but I prefer autistic”
Banker Wanker : “Dude, you are ass-tistic la. Its like fantastic but spelled differently”
Snoop Dawg : *nods with approval*

Overheard in Banker Wanker’s universe:

Banker Wanker: “Ok boi, you got to sit here and make this work kay. You got to crawl forward instead of backwards”
Bumblebee: *stares and drools, on tummy-ala sky diving position* “Eck eck…ma ma ma ma”
Banker Wanker: “Ok, now, you got your legs here, now pusssshhhhh your right feet” *holding on to tiny feet*
Bumblebee: *struggles struggles….goes backwards*
Banker Wanker: “Backwards is fine sometimes boi, but you can’t see where you are going. Now make this work kay. See, black ball in-front…Go boi! Go after the ball!!”
Bumblebee: *stares at ball rolling away, hands outstretched, big bum wriggling to try to move forward* “Ick ick…ma ma ma ma..ick ick” *still goes backwards*
Best conversation evarrrrrrrr…………..:)

+++

Predators is so bleah. I just don't buy Adrien Brody.

Ip Man 2 is okay okay only.

Looking forward to Inception.

Fire in the hole....kabooommm

2010-07-09T10:54:00.000+08:00

So, the Queen and I have been on a cold war for a couple of days now after a series of arguments about work(mine)and how plugged out we have been in trying to juggle work, Bumblebee and ourselves. After all said and done, the same cycle repeats itself and the conclusion is predictable with me normally taking the short end of the stick. I can do no right.

+++

Things in Bankerland have been fluid and that's probably an understatement. Its tiresome to see structures and roles changing again and while it has largely been pretty ok for me, the timing of it all, coinciding with my already frayed mental state of mind is throwing me off my axis. The sad thing is, the many things (in particular relationships and friendships) that have brought much sanity are either no longer there or slowly unravelling to oblivion. Its like trying to shore up the foundations with ad-hoc building blocks only to realise much later that it has too much sand and not enough cement. On some days, I wish someone would blow me up (pun not intended) like one of those demolition jobs in Vegas, hit the foundations hard with TNT and let is crumble like a stack of cards. *Banker Wanker points to his chubby ass, please stick TNT there, make it a short fuse please*

+++

Sidekick, stay strong.I know things can be rough but you got to believe that one day, you would sail into calmer waters. Ok, sorry, I am lying, life can be a bitch all the time, and Murphy's Law dictates that some of us would probably continue to be in rough seas in perpetuity. But at least, potentially, you and I would have a kickass 60 feet state of the art yatch to surf the rough waves (yours would be named "Fuck Life", mine would be named "Suck This"), fitted with a jacuzzi, maple wood trimmings and virgin goat leather all round, endless supply of Moet and a hot crew (Italian studs for you, Japanese GT girls for me)to serve us. Keep the faith!

Love me please, I am an art form

2010-06-28T10:52:00.001+08:00

Overheard in Banker Wanker's world:

Moonlight : "Do you miss me?"
Banker Wanker : "Yeah I do..."
Moonlight : "I will see you soon?"
Banker Wanker : "Not soon enough...you don't really need me. Its the idea that you have someone to turn to that keeps you here. It could be anyone else. It is hard to be just an idea..."
Moonlight : "I am sorry...."

+++

The idea of being just an idea kills me sometimes. I suppose I shouldn't be too surprise that this is a recurring theme in my life. I was afterall conceived by accident, unplanned...an idea some 30 plus years ago. I have had more than one girlfriend in the past that were coming out of nasty relationships, and I was the rebound guy, the fallback guy, the compromise...yeah, a nice idea, to have for the long lonely nights, with alcohol to numb the senses so as to dull the disappointment that they are not with the one they longed for. You know what, I am a tragedy of epic proportions. And do you know what tragedy is, as defined in the Shakespearean and Greek context? Tragedy is a form of art based on human suffering that offers its audience pleasure. No kidding, wiki it. So, Banker Wanker's life is a tragedy because it has/provides/is....

1. human suffering, check;
2. audience pleasure, check;
3. a form of art (very subjective), check.

Our eden's a failure

2010-06-24T14:37:00.000+08:00

Overheard in Bankerland

Banker Wanker: “Cepat cepat…bangun, bangun Isabella….”
Isabella: “Coming, coming…..aiyah, mistake again”
Banker Wanker: “Ayuh, ayuh……”
Isabella: “Aiyah, mistake again…..”
Banker Wanker : *smacks forehead*
It's been a hard day's night, and I've been working like a dog
It's been a hard day's night, I should be sleeping like a log…..good help is hard to find these days.

Banker Wanker: “Congrats…you deserve it”
Snoop Dawg: “This is for real? I didn’t expect this….”
Banker Wanker: “There was some lobbying and meetings, but we manage to pull it through”
Snoop Dawg : “Wow, a few more of these and I can be your boss laa”
Banker Wanker: “Your misguided ambition is commendable but ultimately futile at best. Now please, make yourself useful and give me a foot rub then after that, go and wash my car in the car park”
Snoop Dawg : “Only if you allow me to suck your toes and wash your car topless….”
Banker Wanker: “You sick sick puppy…”
Snoop Dawg: “Woof”

+++

Bumblebee is growing real fast now and it is fascinating watching him learn new things every week and seeing his overall physical and mental development. On the good days, I can almost comprehend how some fathers can absolutely adore their offsprings and devote 100% of their entire lives to the well being of their kids with the kind of commitment and sacrifices that I can only dream off and unable to fully proffer in my current state. On the bad days, I feel like the world's burden is on me and that I deserve to be happier and on these days, running away is the overwhelming desire that envelopes me into a catatonic state of ambivalence. Its shameful, I know and please don't judge me. In the eyes of those around me i.e my family on both sides, I am up for nomination for dad of the decade. But, as I have said in my older post, I am only giving my 65%. The other 35% is currently in the wilderness, focused into relationships, work and endeavours that provide me with some measure of sanity albeit short lived in most cases. I hope Bumblebee grows up not ever knowing how screwed up his dad is, it’s a real shame really.

Sarah Mclachlan – U Want Me Too

You walk on by
Clueless and so high
Following your aimless
Path away from us
You're so far away
And what can I say
Cause I can't be the one
You wanted me to be

So tell me
How do you feel
It's so confusing
If you let it all go
It'll fall apart
Do you want me to stay
And say I still want you
U want me 2, don't you?

So what are we saying
Our eden's a failure
A made-up story
To fit
The picture-perfect world
The one with I do's
And I love you
And we are made
For each other
Is forever over now?

And tell me
How do you feel
It's so confusing
If you let it all go
It'll fall apart
Do you want me to stay
And say I still want you
U want me 2, don't you?

I hope there's forgiveness
In the distance between us
Can we make what lies
Ahead of us
A better place to be?

Many Secrets I Have

2010-06-18T17:53:00.001+08:00

Life is something that happens when you can't get to sleep. -Fran Lebowitz
Banker Wanker needs some sleep……

Love is like a bazaar: The admittance is free-- but it costs you something before you get out.- Unknown
True that, true that…..

+++

Overheard in Bankerland:

Salty Siap (colleague but not a friend) : “How is it going?”
Banker Wanker : “Getting there…getting there. How’s the family?”
Salty Siap : “Oh, well, things are better now, but not much better…….” *continues on for the longest time*
Banker Wanker : “Ohh, that’s tough…really”
Salty Siap : “And that’s not all……….” *continues spewing bits and pieces of news and information that is a tad personal in Banker Wanker’s humble opinion”
Banker Wanker : “Ohh….” *pretends to check blackberry* “Hey, the Lakers won!”
Banker Wanker ran for his dear life.

Banker Wanker: *cough cough cough*
Capon : “ I think I passed my cough to you”
Banker Wanker : “We didn’t even kiss”
Capon: “Kissing not required”
Banker Wanker : “Maybe you got cough germs on your ass”
Capon: “Huh?”
Banker Wanker: -_- *kiss ass, kiss ass….get it*
It was a slow day.....

+++

I get it, really I do. I take two steps forward, you pull me three steps backwards. I shuffle to the right for some space, you compress the left hand side, and in no time, I am slowly nudged to the edge of the cliff, looking down to see jagged rocks and crushing waves ready to greet free fallers. Its not that bad, its not that bad at all...thanks life, you rock.

Secrets by One Republic

I need another story
Something to get off my chest
My life gets kinda boring
Need something that I can confess
Til’ all my sleeves are stained red
From all the truth that I’ve said
Come by it honestly I swear
Thought you saw wink, no
I’ve been on the brink, so

Tell me what you want from here
Something that were like those years
Sick of all the insincere
So I’m gonna give all my secrets away
This time, don’t need another perfect line
Don’t care if critics never jump in line
I’m gonna give all my secrets away

My god, amazing how we got this far
It’s like we’re chasing all those stars
Who’s driving shiny big black cars
And everyday I see the news
All the problems that we could solve
And when a situation rises
Just write it into an album
Singing straight, too cold
I don’t really like my flow, no, so

Oh, got no reason, got not shame
Got no family I can blame
Just don’t let me disappear
I’mma tell you everything

September is a dream

2010-06-15T11:16:00.000+08:00

The smallest things can me make me smile at times. This morning, a song from the 80s was playing on air right before I entered the tunnel sans the reception. I "manually" took over the song in hope that when I have exited the tunnel, the song would continue on from where I sang it to. Spot on...shiok sendiri.

+++

Overheard in Bankerland:

One late night....
Banker Wanker: "I got some news for you. Capon says he is putting you up for promotion"
Isabella: "Really?" *perks up for awhile after a long long week*
Banker Wanker: "Yeah, you deserve it. Hopefully its a good jump. Go home la, our work is done here"
Isabella: "Thanks, really. Its a good start for the weekend"
Banker Wanker is happy to spread some joy around...this makes two now. At least other people around me is happy. Some alms please? Anyone?

Da King: "Fark this, I am getting no support at all from the bosses"
Banker Wanker: "Its been like this for the longest time...we have to make some of the decisions, have to deal with it lor"
Da King: "I am not paid to make decisions like this"
Banker Wanker: "Hmmmm....." *sure or not?*
Banker Wanker has been making the decisions and playing boss for the longest time AND not exactly earning much more than the rest. Time for the others to buck up or ship out.

+++

Trending now in Banker Wanker's world:

- Dying with work
- Dying with stupid colleagues
- Dying for a beach holiday
- Dying for meaningful friendships
- Dying for meaningful relationships
- Dying to get out of the country for awhile...alone
- Dying.....period

September by Daughtry

How the time passed away? All the trouble that we gave
And all those days we spent out by the lake
Has it all gone to waste? All the promises we made
One by one they vanish just the same

Of all the things I still remember
Summer's never looked the same
The years go by and time just seems to fly by
But the memories remain

In the middle of September we'd still play out in the rain
Nothing to lose but everything to gain
Reflecting now on how things could've been
It was worth it in the end

Now it all seems so clear, there's nothing left to fear
So we made our way by finding what was real
Now the days are so long that summer's moving on
We reach for something that's already gone

Of all the things I still remember
Summer's never looked the same
The years go by and time just seems to fly by
But the memories remain

In the middle of September we'd still play out in the rain
Nothing to lose but everything to gain
Reflecting now on how things could've been
It was worth it in the end

Menjejak Mimpi...quickie

2010-06-10T18:07:00.000+08:00

Compressing 5 days of work into 4 days (on leave for a day this week) is immensely painful. But it is good in a way, cause it leaves me little time to ponder and marinate in my cesspool of emotional sludge. Not that marinating in Bankerland’s Capon inspired crap is that great, but at least I am getting paid for it and it warms me so to think that there are many more chumps marinating with me...sama sama, menjejak mimpi (ngeri)

+++

Overheard in Banker Wanker’s world:

Banker Wanker :”I have missed you….”
Moonlight : “Yeah right…..”
Banker Wanker :”Is it that hard to believe?”
Moonlight : “I don’t want to sometimes…it hurts.”
Banker Wanker : “Ohh…..”

Overheard in Bankerland:

Snoop Dawg : "Don't miss me while I am away"
Banker Wanker : "I will miss you like a zit between my crack"
Snoop Dawg : "Is your crack pretty or not first?"
Banker Wanker : -_- *give up* *proceeds to walk away*
Snoop Dawg : "Hairy?"
Banker Wanker : *flips the finger without looking back*

+++

Prince of Persia is so…bleh. A very ordinary pop corn movie only.

We all begin with good intent......

2010-05-31T19:33:00.000+08:00

A 3 day weekend and all I have to show for is a screaming backache, sleep deprivation and emotional deadness. I can know comprehend how it is like having an out of body experience, albeit an experience that is 3 days long. At times, one could almost pass me off as one of the undead walking around aimlessly, with the last conscious emotion still plastered on my face (a fake banker smile, if you must to know) before my transformation to a zombie. I woke up every morning in the last 3 days feeling like I have drawn a bad card again and again and again..grudgingly forcing myself off the bed to carry on with my task for the day, to play the roles I have to play, the ones that are suppose to define me but instead confines me to a life full of what ifs, broken dreams and unfulfilled promises. Bumblebee is a bright spark and at times, the only thing fueling me is the need to prove that I can be a better dad than my own dad in a futile effort to convinced myself that I am nothing like my dad. Selfish isn't it, but its all I have left. I punish myself physically to attend to Bumblebee's needs, not because I need to feel the pain, but because on some level, its penance for the thoughts I have in my head, for the things I have done, for the love I don't feel for his mum at this stage. I have to grab hold of something and hope that the storm breaks. The aftermath would still be ugly, but it can't get uglier than this now. After 5 rounds in the fight of my lifetime, Banker Wanker:0, Life: 10....

Fallen by Sarah McLachlan

Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear.

I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Heaven bent to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turned their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
You'll slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though we have not hit the ground, it doesn't mean we're not still falling

2010-05-27T16:17:00.000+08:00

I discovered this charming little French inspired café located in Empire Shopping Complex, Subang Jaya called Whisk. It’s a family run café serving coffee, cakes, pies and pasta. Very home cook food, great if you are after something light. If you see macarons at the counter, try them! Real decent and freshly baked by the owners. The owners mentioned that they were inspired by the macarons that are sold at Laduree. Goodstuff!

+++

Its like pushing shit through a straw..…that’s how I feel at the moment with work and datelines in Bankerland. Da King says its worst if one has to push shit through the straw using the mouth. I told him I am not sure how he knows it is worst, but he ain’t touching my food from now onwards.

+++

I miss Moonlight. I have not seen her for some time and something tells me she is staying away for a while. Perhaps its best this way, only so much I can give without anything in return. Cliche as it sounds, it takes two to tango. Its never good for one's self esteem. I constantly feel like I am extending too much, reaching out and taking a position which leaves me open to disappointment, false promises and unfulfilled expectations. If only Moonlight knew that I would still be here irregardless of what happens, in hope that one fine day, she would finally see that.

+++

I love the tune to Maroon 5's Nothing Last Forever...and the lyrics...oh, the lyrics, speaks to me loud and clear:

It is so easy to see
Dysfunction between you and me
We must free up these tired souls
Before the sadness kills us both

I tried and tried to let you know
I love you but I'm letting go
It may not last but I don't know
Just don't know

If you don't know
Then you can't care
And you show up
But you're not there
But I'm waiting
And you want to
Still afraid that I will desert you

Everyday
With every worthless word we get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
But nothing lasts forever, but be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way

A bed that's warm with memories
Can heal us temporarily
The misbehaving only makes
The ditch between us so damn deep

Built a wall around my heart
I'll never let it fall apart
But strangely I wish secretly
It would fall down while I'm asleep

If you don't know
Then you can't care
And you show up
But you're not there
But I'm waiting
And you want to
Still afraid that I will desert you, babe

Though we have not hit the ground
It doesn't mean we're not still falling,
Oh I want so bad to pick you up
But you're still too reluctant to accept my help
What a shame, I hope you find somewhere to place the blame
But until then the fact remains

Sleeping in the past

2010-05-21T16:29:00.000+08:00

I am seriously thinking about hiring some help to migrate this blog into wordpress and designing some funky layout for it. I am still having problems with some of the features here and hence my inability to post up pictures and graphics. Frustration incorporated. It will come..it will come in time.

+++

Achievements this week:

Work : Board presentation, done. Replies to regulator, done. Credit papers, done. Timeline for transactions on-track, done. Kiss ass, done. = Cemerlang.

Sanity Check: Pork knuckle craving, done. Good sex, done. Reading, not done. Time alone, not done. = Boleh Tahan, can do much better.

Body Check: Exercise, not done. Massage, not done. Monthly checkup, not done = Teruk, fail.

Personal Relationship: Confirm fail, no need to analyse. -_-

+++

Overheard in Bankerland

Banker Wanker: "I feel like walking out now and buying loads of snacks" *3 pm in the afternoon, stressed out abit*
Snoop Dawg: "I like your cravings...maybe you are pregnant"
Banker Wanker: "You are just jealous cause I am glowing"
Snoop Dawg: "You won't be glowing much when General calls you up for work over the weekend"
Banker Wanker: "Joy killer.....not sharing my snacks with you, buzz off"

+++

One of those oldie-taken-for-granted song that I hear all the time but never really listening to what it is about. I love the album's name, so befitting.

Sacrifice by Elton John found in the album Sleeping In The Past

It's a human sign
When things go wrong
When the scent of her lingers
And temptation's strong

Into the boundary
Of each married man
Sweet deceit comes calling
And negativity lands

Cold cold heart
Hard done by you
Some things look better baby
Just passing through

And it's no sacrifice
Just a simple word
It's two hearts living
In two separate worlds
But it's no sacrifice
No sacrifice
It's no sacrifice at all

Mutual misunderstanding
After the fact
Sensitivity builds a prison
In the final act

We lose direction
No stone unturned
No tears to damn you
When jealousy burns

+++

Have a good weekend yeah, and remember, take no prisoners and leave no one behind. Over and out.

Management Bullshit

2010-05-20T10:58:00.000+08:00

I have been in the work force for some time now and have had my fair share of management bullshit and propaganda fed to me throughout the years. Diminishing propensity to absorb bullshit which should correlate with age and years in the workforce should mean that I should be less susceptible to the sweet whispers by management. That’s a lot of ‘shoulds’ in one sentence and the reality is, depending on the delivery and authority that the bullshit is dished out, my system is still pretty open to them. Sucker...yes, I hear you. I am sure you can comprehend or would be familiar with these management verbal diarrhoea:

*Start sentence with your name, then read on the following. Imagine steely gaze and conviction in your bosses voice while they spew out these gems* :
- "You are seen as a critical resource and as such your current compensation is reflective of that. You are already one of the highest earners among your peers"
- "We value your contribution in the past, and moving forth we will ensure that you continue to be in our top percentile employee as such the opportunities and trajectory for your growth, both personal and financial would be limitless."
- "We really wish to retain you, and with this RM300 adjustment, it will make you one of the highest paid employee here. This is the honest truth here and we can't do better than this because we need to take care of internal equity"

I am sure you can draft a dozen more of these. Recent development and discovery on my part has led me to the conclusion that, firstly, I am still a sucker. Second, despite the fact that my bosses are generally seen as decent bosses, they have dished out a fair bit of bullshit, some of which have been exposed. Hence, don't ever trust anyone or at best take it with a pinch of salt and 99% discount. My recent epiphany and discovery which involves some intimate knowledge of the "internal equity" in Bankerland meant, for once in my life, I have hard facts to back up my suspicion. Am I disappointed? Not really, it was more amusing than anything else.

Capon and the General, don't be naughty now, I am on to you and I have a spreadsheet to back it up this time.

+++

Overheard in Bankerland:

Snoop Dawg : "I am taking a week off soon"
Banker Wanker : "We are closing all of our deals then!"
Snoop Dawg : "Ya, I feel bad la"
Banker Wanker : "Go la...you deserve it"
Snoop Dawg : "Thanks, I will try to do as much as I can before I leave"
Banker Wanker : "Fuhh, its going to feel like you are on maternity leave wehh"
Snoop Dawg : "Yeah, but its going to be a small baby la..."
Banker Wanker: -_-

+++

I just got a last minute 'request' by a client to be present at a board meeting early next week to present a pitch. The pitch ain't ready yet and I am working with nimcompooks from another department. I got a gazillion things to run still and this just popped up conveniently. Thanks Murphy, screw you. *throws 100 shirukens at Murphy's crotch*

It wasn't me

2010-05-18T10:38:00.000+08:00

Bumblebee is going through a bout of separation anxiety which means sudden burst of crying in the middle of night from his cot, resulting in him being transported to the bed for the rest of the night. It’s a queen size bed, which means that I often find myself being squeezed to the corner, exacerbated by Bumblebee’s standard sleeping position of outstretched arms. And on some mornings, I wake up with his saliva coated fist firmly lodged in my face. When I am real lucky, its his feet on my face cause he is also at the turning-in-sleep-180-degrees phase. Saliva coated fist and smelly feet has never been more welcomed.

+++

Overheard in Bankerland:

Capon: “I am stressed out and worried, I am not sure if I can cope”
Banker Wanker: “Well, we all just have to deal with it”
Capon: “I might need to hire someone real senior. Who do you think can play the role?”
Banker Wanker: *gives 3 names* *suggest alternate solution”
Capon : *picks one name* *non-committal on alternate solution*
Banker Wanker : *gives up*
Banker Wanker plans to spend more time away from work once peak season is over.

Capon: “Seriously, what’s going on with the both of you?”
Banker Wanker : “Nothing, I know there are much speculation, but they are all not true, nothing is going on”
Capon: *gives unconvinced look* “I have done my share of mistakes, I won’t judge you. So did you hump her or not?”
Banker Wanker: “Really now?” *keeps mum* “There is nothing, stop digging, it wasn't me”

+++

I have been trying to keep away from having solo meet-ups with Soulmate for the longest time, and I was about to run out of reasons and excuses. We finally had dinner recently and game face was on. We had a good conversation on relationships, work and life in general, skirted around enough awkwardness on my part to exude some semblance of normalcy. There were scuff marks on the armour but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Sidekick would have been proud of me although I did go back thereafter and drowned myself with enough umeshu and whisky to kill a small forest creature. Kidney preservation should start early if you are planning to donate them after we expire :0 drink up boys and girls, we got plenty of time to act saintly in the afterlife.

One Side Now

2010-05-12T10:56:00.000+08:00

The sky is just about to lose its last ray of light, darkness has swallowed the entire eastern side of the sky. Am sitting in my car as the line of endless cars inch forward, heading to their own mosaic of destinations. I looked up ahead at my own destination and I was surprised that from my vantage point, I could clearly pinpoint the floor where the party is being held and I can see it is already in full swing, ceiling to floor windows framing the bright lights and people milling around the foyer, probably oblivious to the traffic mayhem outside. Fifteen minutes later, I was parking my car. Reluctantly I left the comfort of my car and proceeded to take the swanky elevator up. Grabbed a drink, superficial hi's and proceeded to the lookout point, the exact location where I was looking at earlier in traffic. Couldn't help but to think of the song, Both Sides Now, which context is experiencing love from both sides, the good and the bad. Traffic is still bad and the party ain't that great either....still waiting for the good part this evening.

+++

Have been deluge with work and mindless events. Life of an investment banker is not just wining and dining, we do try to do some work occasionally :)

+++

Bumblebee reacts by laughing and spreading out his hands to be carried when he sees me nowadays. Its really adorable...how not to carry despite a hectic day or week. Babies have great defense and manja-me mechanisms.

+++

Iron Man 2 is such a tease. Watch out for Captain America's shield somewhere in the movie, Nick Fury's continued efforts to recruit superheroes, a little clue about who they are also recruiting at the same time in New Mexico and the little teaser after the credits. Awesome....just thinking about the up and coming Avenger movies such as Captain America and Thor is making me salivate. Drrooollllssss

Macam nak mati

2010-05-04T16:55:00.000+08:00

This morning started out like the shittiest day of the year so far. Waking up from a sleepless night and unintentionally causing the Queen to be royally pissed off at me for not closing the room door after she is done showering is never a good way to start a day. It escalated further when she made a gesture of peace and my silence was construed as a silent rebellion to the throne, when the only reason for my silence was my sleep deprived stupor and the fear that I might say something else that might make it worst. So much for that stupid 70s song, silence is golden. Doors banging and still in my towel, it felt like being in the middle of Iraq, dressed in a towel only, with a patriot missile up my ass and not knowing what the heck went wrong. If someone is ever going to make a serial about my life one day, I think the events this morning would be the perfect opening scene for the pilot, the introduction scene ala Eli Stone. Except, the room will be a gazillion times bigger, backdrop – Manhattan, my outfit for the day would be a USD5k Armani suit and I would be played by some dashingly handsome dude...freeze frame with the towel around the waist (with a tone body and six pack no less), incredulous face…voice pipes in some witty introduction to the screwed-up life of Banker Wanker, theme song “I’m Too Sexy” cues in…..

Some mornings like today, macam nak mati....

+++

If given a choice, how would you like to die? I think pills would be painless, but such a wimpy way to go out. A heart attack during sleep perhaps? Lapse into coma and slowly whittle away? One thing is for sure, I hope I would be fully clothe when the times come, which would preclude death while having wild old people sex... :)

+++

Iron Man 2 was good, though I thought the first installment was better. Robert Downey is da man, he is freezingly cool. In fact, he can play me in the serial about my life. :)

Date Night was just so so, although saved by great chemistry between Tina Fey and that dude from The Office.

Clash of the Titans was lukewarm at best...graphics galore, but no soul. Enough of movies with men in leather skirts.

Of Genes and Dreams

2010-04-29T10:29:00.000+08:00

I really get this new song by John Mayer, Heartbreak Warfare, which is on the original soundtrack of Date Night….

Sampling of Heartbreak Warfare by John Mayer:

Lightning strikes
Inside, my chest to keep me up at night
Dream of ways
To make you understand my pain

Clouds of sulfur in the air
Bombs are falling everywhere
It's heartbreak warfare
Once you want it to begin,
No one really ever wins
In heartbreak warfare

If you want more love,
why don't you say so?
If you want more love,
why don't you say so?

Drop his name
Push it in and twist the knife again
Watch my face
As I pretend to feel no pain

+++

Overheard in Banker Wanker’s world:

Moonlight: "You didn't have to...but its nice"
Banker Wanker: "Its a small thing, really"
Moonlight: "Sigh"
Banker Wanker needs to stop shopping for awhile.

Soulmate: "Nothing much to complain about, and you shouldn't either. Not that you complain much to me anyway"
Banker Wanker: "That's because you are a positive energy person and you wouldn't want to hear my complains in any case"
Soulmate: "Ok, nites!!"
Banker Wanker shouldn't expect anything more than this.

The Queen: "I love you"
Banker Wanker: "Yeah, I know"
On hindsight, Banker Wanker thinks the response speaks a thousand words.

+++

Study Links Gene Variant in Men to Marital Discord

Men are more likely to be devoted and loyal husbands when they lack a particular variant of a gene that influences brain activity, researchers announced yesterday -- the first time that science has shown a direct link between a man's genes and his aptitude for monogamy....read more here

I wonder if a cheating gene is hereditary?

+++

I have not been able to get deep restful sleep for some months now and in these past weeks, the dreams have been unsettling to say the least. I sometimes wake up in a cold sweat, feeling like the dreams were real, but not really remembering bits of it, just the emotional aftershocks that come with the dreams. I have never been the type who reads too much into dreams, largely due to the fact that my dreams were never the realistic or logical type, just images and lots of fluff that has no apparent meaning or linkage. But these days, they seem to carry more form, involving people around me, settings, scripts and scenarios that seems to be real or desired. Like a parallel world that I have no control over, but long to be? I wonder if they are premonitory or healing in nature? Nightmares perhaps? Seen from the perspective of what could be that will never be, but here you go, have a taste of it chum, but you ain't getting any. Cruel cruel this dream business..someone please shoot me with some elephant tranquilizer, any takers? I got a big ass, you can't miss.*bends over*

Milk and Cookies Finally

2010-04-23T17:30:00.000+08:00

Thanks Sidekick for taking the effort to buy me milk and cookies. You are da best! I have missed you much. I have almost forgotten how much I enjoy talking to you, such is the depth of my isolation. You look happy...there is an unmistakable glint in your eyes despite the uncertainties over your relationships.

+++

I am done for the week, have nothing more to offer. Physically, I feel battered and to think I am only in my 30s. Emotionally, I am like a fruit cake with too much rum. Here's to the weekend, game face on, calibrate engines to 65%. I need to buy a dream catcher soon to weed out the shitty dreams. Have a good one peeps.

Mad Season

2010-04-22T10:23:00.000+08:00

Mad Season by Matchbox 20

I feel stupid - but I know it won't last for long
I've been guessing - I could’ve been guessin' wrong
You don't know me now
I kinda thought that you should somehow
Does that whole mad season got ya down

I feel stupid but it's something that comes and goes
I've been changin' - think it's funny how now one knows
We don't talk about - the little things that we do without
When that whole mad season comes around

So why ya gotta stand there
Looking like the answer now
It seems to me - you'd come around
I need you now
Do you think you can cope
You figured me out - I'm lost and I'm hopeless
Bleeding and broken - though I've never spoken
I come undone - in this mad season

I feel stupid - but I think I been catchin' on
I feel ugly - but I know I still turn you on
You've grown colder now, torn apart, angry, turned around
Will that whole mad season knock you down

+++

It has been a mad season indeed, my mental health have not been the best these past 3 months or so. Besides the anti social tendencies like having lunch/dinner alone at my secret hideouts and drinks alone at bar counters, I have noticed that I am prone to occasional bouts of self pity and melancholy. While I remain optimistic in my meanderings at work and career outlook at Bankerland, the gnawing void that I feel on the family and social front is beginning to snowball into a messy yarn of sticky tape and goo. It is infinitely pointless and disappointing to have friends saying that I should be happy with what I have, and that they wish they had what I have etc etc. It is lip service to say the least and to gloss over the real reasons behind it is to simply brush aside my feelings and what is important to me. Sorry if my issues are such an affront to your nice cosy bubble, I swear it wasn’t my intention to pollute your sphere of positive energy.

So much for friends and perhaps that is a chief reason why I rather spend time alone these days. I simply can’t say for certain that there is someone out there who can comprehend and is able to provide the kind of support I need. That’s too much too ask I suppose. Could it be the fear of delving into a world that they rather not see or just plain selfishness? Is it me, or is it harder to form real friendships these days where everything fast and superficial is in vogue? Where are the care bear stares and offer of cookies and milk to make everything seem better?

Mad season it is, better to be alone for now.

The hour of death would have been welcome to me.

2010-04-19T10:19:00.001+08:00

Excerpts from Victor Hugo’s letter to Adele Foucher 1820

A few words from you, my beloved Adele, have again changed the state of my mind. Yes, you can do anything with me, and tomorrow, I should be dead indeed if the gentle sound of your voice, the tender pressure of your adored lips, do not suffice to recall the life to my body. With what different feelings to yesterday’s I shall lay myself down tonight! Yesterday, Adele, I no longer believed in your love; the hour of death would have been welcome to me.

And yet I still said to myself, ‘if it be true that she does not love me, if nothing in me could deserve the blessing of her love, without which there is no longer any charm in life, is that a reason for dying? Do I exist for her own personal happiness? No; my whole existence is devoted to her, even in spite of her. And by what right should I have dared to aspire to her love? Am I, then, more than an angel or a deity?

FMD, that's so good I could almost french kiss Victor Hugo if he was still alive. A gold standard of letter writing in the age of romanticism.

+++

So the Queen got a pay rise. I am not sure where all the extra money would be siphoned to, but I have been feeling a bit short changed recently due to the fact that I am already covering the mortgage, her car loan and shelled out cash for my own ride so that I could give her my car. It would be nice for her to channel some of her funds to the cause especially since I have been mulling over a new ride to replace my Japanese tin can and I have my sight set on a nice continental ride to reward myself. But the additional gearing ain't making it an easy decision. Being middle-income sucks. I may have to compromise again and settle for a more affordable Japanese ride. My life of compromises continues...

+++

Bumblebee is 6 months now, he is brilliant at this age, real animated and has a fine temper to boot. Time flies...by the time I know it, he is going to start calling me dude.

+++

The stock market this morning continues to correct. It is sad to see the country lacking of any credible storyline and catalyst to attract foreign investors and FDIs. The recent policies, glazed as a changed in the country's growth engine appears to be more of a reconditioning of an old engine to make it look like a new one. Too much fluff and verbal rah rah, too little credible execution, too little too late it seems. Tragic....thank God we still have nasi lemak and cendol.

Rapid fire....

2010-04-12T20:09:00.000+08:00

What a lousy weekend, I seriously need whisky and a shag.

+++

The Mercedes CLS is awesome, I want one now.

+++

Just finished the final season of Boston Legal, I will miss Danny Crane and Alan Shore.

+++

A good steak sandwich accompanied with thick fries is really food for the soul. I need whisky, a shag AND a steak sandwich now (combo 2, upsize mine, in that order please).

+++

Being a devoted dad is hard. Pretending to be an engaged husband is becoming almost impossible.

+++

I was really at the edge last night, I hated myself last night because I couldn’t do anything about my current situation. I fear I am slipping further down into the cavern of no return. Throw some light down here please.

+++

"I love money", mantra of the month. aum aum aum

Random thoughts

2010-03-24T17:31:00.011+08:00

Overheard in Bankerland:

Banker Wanker : “Seriously, this girl has more cock than me”
Snoop Dawg : “What do you mean, like she got balls or what?”
Banker Wanker: “I meant cocky la, but yeah, seriously I think she got 2 pairs of balls la”
Snoop Dawg : “That explains her walk….*nods*”
Banker Wanker is currently working with very loud colleagues that scare him sometimes, resulting in him retreating into his little hermit crab shell.

+++

My apologies for not updating much these past 2 weeks. Been camping day and night in Bankerland trying to make a transaction work. Its going to the dogs, but since the powers to be in Bankerland are so fixated with the potential $$$, I got to play ball. I have learned a few lessons along the way though:

Lesson No. 1 : At the end of the day, nothing speaks louder than your actions and deliverables.

“When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you have done?”

Lesson No. 2 : Money can do short term wonders for staff motivation.

"While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery."

Lesson No.3 : Listening first and then having the full facts and strategy for the final say is infinitely more satisfying and impactful.

“A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while he gets to know something.”

I hope the late nights and weekends at the office are coming to an end. Dang, I need a shag.

+++

Continuing from my previous post; 5 moments in my life that I would have like to freeze frame:

- The day I fell head over heels for the person I would have love to spend every moment of my live with (To remind myself that I have the capacity to love someone unconditionally and to remind myself that I can never get what I want in life all the time)
- The morning that I saw Bumblebee for the first time in his incubator just right after his delivery (To remind myself of how fragile he was then and wow, look at him now)
- This Scotland moment that I blogged about
- The day I skinny dipped in full view of many unfortunate people (To remind myself that I used to be a carefree person and in hope that there are pieces of that person floating somewhere in my chubby frame)
- The day I lost my virginity (Major milestone weh :))

+++

Images of eco-friendly diapers colored in neon pink and green has been flashing in my head these past few days. Two separate conversations with colleagues about it has probably triggered some basal sub-conscious desire to buy these overpriced little cute poo pods. I think I need to spend less time in baby shops over the weekends. It used to be random images of neon pink and green Gs in the past, not diapers -_-

+++

Random thought : David Gurnani is the winner of Asia’s Biggest Loser. He lost a whopping 87kg, more than half his original weight. All I could think of while watching the re-run of the result show was, did his penis shrink as a result of the drastic weight lost? *shudders, Banker Wanker helps himself to an extra serving of lard to avoid any unwanted eventualities*

The right road for now

2010-03-18T18:42:00.000+08:00

It was just a simple meet up for drinks and food at the usual hang out joint. I envy how oblivious and unaffected the rest were as I mechanically went through the serving of my usuals, trying to engage in some of the conversations that were going back and forth to exude some semblance of normalcy. I was far from being myself, feeling naked and defenceless against an onslaught of emotions that threatened to tear down some of the walls that I have been building and shoring up for the last 4 months. Just 20 minutes ago, on the road trying to make my way there, I was having serious doubts, thinking to myself that it wouldn’t do me any good going for the gathering if it means opening myself up to self pity and deep sadness that engulf me not too long back. Pathetically, I resorted to flipping radio stations looking for some form of epiphany. None came but Bread’s If which itself was a rare song to be heard on the airwaves. I laughed ironically as I listened to the lyrics and I was sure then that the gods did have a cruel sense of humour. Lost in the song for a moment, unconsciously forming the imaginary chords to the song on my left hand, I slipped into the final stretch of highway that led to where the road will fork into two. I can see it now and I had to decide. To the right, safety beckons. To the left, unknown depths of pain. Head on into danger, that’s the way I swing and to the left I went, silently chastening myself for being so predictable. And there I was, heard the laughter, put on my game face, hoped for the best, armour up to protect the walls. The conversations passed by in a blur, clinking of glasses, promises to do this more often, it was time for my last drink. It has been awhile since I last saw her and she looked happy. I was happy for her. Some things have changed, some things remain. I survived. The cracks were not as bad as I thought it would be, the wall was holding up requiring just a little touch up here and there. Nothing some sleep and immersion in work and other activities won’t mend. I headed back to where the road forked into two again, and this time I went to the right, safety beckons. It’s the right road for now…….

Broken clock, freezed moments

2010-03-16T17:13:00.001+08:00

Overheard in Banker Wanker’s world:

Moonlight : “You know, over the years, I have come to realize that out of all my friends, you have been the most steadfast and hence why I have always continued to turn to you in times when I am down and low”
Banker Wanker : “That’s a nice thing to say” *small voice : but what about the times when you are up and about? I don’t deserve your time then?*

+++

Bumblebee hasn’t been sleeping that well lately, just a sudden change in his sleeping pattern. Just when I thought we were cruising, something changes again. Ahh, the trials and tribulations of fatherhood. I have been sleepless in any case, with or without him waking up. Something has been bothering me but I can’t quite put my finger on it. Perhaps it’s the state of constant change that I am experiencing in my life right now or maybe it’s the feeling I am being taken on a ride by the people that I care about most. Disquiet soul indeed.

Broken by Lifehouse
The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain is there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

+++

If you had a chance to freeze moments in your life, which ones would it be? Am going to think about this for a bit and in my next post I will share with you some of my moments that I would have like to freeze frame.

A Little Piece Of Heaven

2010-03-12T11:05:00.001+08:00

Our happiest moments as tourists always seem to come when we stumble upon one thing while in pursuit of something else. – Lawrence Block

This is so true and it reminded me of a little piece of heaven I stumbled across while backpacking in Scotland, in the outskirts of Inverness. It was a strip of forest that was hidden from the main path; stones and rocks covered in moss lined the forest floor giving it an illusion of a fresh green colored carpet. The overhead was totally shrouded by trees, filtered rays of sunshine shining through giving an ethereal glow to the piece of heaven. I sat there for some time, immersed in what I saw and felt around me, and it was one of those perfect moments of peace and tranquility that I often revisit in memory when I need to escape for a while.

I have not been stumbling into anything for a while now in my various pursuits. I cite tunnel vision as my main problem or maybe I am just not as open to other possibilities as I was in my younger years. Perhaps experiences have taught me that some routes are just not worth the trouble, you may just end up with scraps and bruises at the other end of it. But I tell ya, the thought of finding that little piece of heaven in the relevant context, even if it is only a one in a million chance, still leaves me eyeballing the waysides from the corner of my squinty eyes.

+++

Overheard in Bankerland:

Scene 1 : Small Dick : “I sent it already, really. You can check my email, maybe something wrong with server or your email. But I have sent it” *said in a defensive and aggressive tone to a senior in the department*
Scene 2 : Small Dick : “This is the 27rd floor, not 28th, you are at the wrong floor. Please go up” *said in overtly aggressive tone to a lost messenger boy*
Scene 3: Small Dick : “You don’t believe me ah, this is how it is calculated ok, I know for sure” *huffs and puffs, in aggressive tone to a peer seen as competition*
Banker Wanker thinks that being insecure is one thing, but being rude and defensive is just unnecessary.

+++

Check out this blog by a recovering sex addict/alcoholic/porn star.

+++

It has been 4 months since Soulmate left. Some things have changed, some remains.

+++

Sidekick just released her first report and it was a great debut. I hope she finds some time to unwind and kick back for a while before the next cycle starts.

The Cranky Old Man

2010-03-10T09:04:00.000+08:00

This poem have been circulating around the net and I wanted to share this with you. The background story as follows. Be kind to your parents kay.

When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home in country NSW, it was believed that he had nothing left of any value.

Later, when the nurses were going through his meagre possessions, They found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital.

One nurse took her copy to Melbourne. The old man's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas editions of magazines around the country and appearing in mags for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on his simple, but eloquent, poem.

And this old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this 'anonymous' poem winging across the Internet.

Cranky Old Man

What do you see nurses?..What do you see?
What are you thinking.. when you're looking at me?
A cranky old man..not very wise,
Uncertain of habit..with faraway eyes?

Who dribbles his food..and makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice..'I do wish you'd try!'
Who seems not to notice..the things that you do.
And forever is losing..A sock or shoe?

Who, resisting or not..lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding..The long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking?..Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse..you're not looking at me.

I'll tell you who I am..As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding..as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of Ten..with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters..who love one another

A young boy of Sixteen ..with wings on his feet
Dreaming that soon now ..a lover he'll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty ..my heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows ..that I promised to keep.

At Twenty-Five, now ..I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide ..And a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty ..My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other ..With ties that should last.

At Forty, my young sons ..have grown and are gone,
But my woman is beside me ..to see I don't mourn.
At Fifty, once more..Babies play 'round my knee,
Again, we know children ..My loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me ..My wife is now dead.
I look at the future ..I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing ..young of their own.
And I think of the years ..And the love that I've known.

I'm now an old man ..and nature is cruel.
It's jest to make old age ..look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles ..grace and vigor, depart.
There is now a stone ..where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass ..A young man still dwells,
And now and again ..my battered heart swells
I remember the joys ..I remember the pain.
And I'm loving and living ..life over again.

I think of the years .. all too few .. gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact ..that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people ..open and see.
Not a cranky old man . Look closer . . . . see . . . . . . . ME!!

A life of compromises

2010-03-09T14:19:00.002+08:00

My whole life has been a series of compromises. From birth up to now. When I was a toddler, I had my suspicion that I was an “accident” and confronted my mum about it. Her response was vague but enough to decipher the truth. The decision to keep me was a compromise of sorts in my parent’s marital woes and obviously I wasn't a very effective solution cause my dad did leave us eventually.

In pre-school, I was hopeless at mandarin, but as a compromise to get a pass, I was persuaded to take on a female role in our yearly pageant. I obviously gave an Oscar winning performance cause I got 100% all the way for mandarin without ever lifting my pencil or uttering a single word of mandarin. Heavy make-up and wearing girls clothing will forever haunt me.

In primary school, I told my mum that I wanted to play table tennis full time and join a Chinese association for daily training. She said sure, provided the association feeds and cloth me till I was 18 (brrpptt, I could always feed myself with my table tennis winnings). Her other requirement was for the association to make an application to the NRD to include the association’s name into my name, she said it was for my own good and protection. I thought it was a brilliant idea and spoke to my coach about it. At the end of the conversation, I thought coach was introducing some new training technique that involves rolling on the floor and laughing out dementedly. Moms can be cruel that way.

In high school, I compromised and settled for this girl that I wasn’t even really interested in to start with. I just wanted to get fresh with her. Her best friend (who was actually interested in me first) dated my best friend (I gave up my right for the sake of my buddy). They were perpetually screwing like bunnies in summer heat while I was stuck on 2nd base with my compromise. The irony.

In college, it was either a car or an oversea education. On hindsight, this is a no brainer, but seen from the eyes of a college kid, it was an excruciating compromise. An oversea education it was. Thankfully I had rich friends who would lend me their ride for my dates. The compromise, I get to do their homework for them. A compromise that I was happy to agree to for some compromising positions in their car.

Rushing through university then my work life, the compromises just kept piling on. And here I am, in my 30s, still compromising at the expense of my own happiness.

Chilling at the crossroad

2010-03-05T14:41:00.000+08:00

I have been in a state of suspended animation, chilling out at the crossroad these past 2 weeks, trying to divine inspiration from the powers to be to see which route to take. I look to the left and I look to the right, and both route seemed interesting enough. To the left, matured oak trees lined the road, predictable scenery to the left and right, road well used but in fairly good condition, terrain relatively flat leading to a foreseeable destination. To the right, newly planted maple trees looking fresh and breezy, scenery is one of expanse with shades of grey in the distance, road is fine gravel but needs maintenance due to the winding and hilly terrain. Destination unknown, one can only see the next fuel station up ahead.

I look behind and sideways to gauge what feels right at this moment and I gingerly take a step towards the left. Baby steps for the time being, peripheral vision still has the route to the right in view just in case. Crap, I wasn't suppose to look back. Fail again.

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Do try out Little Korea at Solaris Mont Kiara (the same row with Maybank). The bi bim bab is really good here. The other ala carte noodles, rice and side stuff are decent too although the BBQ is only average for me. For BBQ, I still prefer Daorae in Desa Sri Hartamas (also the same row with Maybank). Massisseoyo!

Have a good weekend peeps!

What's that smell ah?

2010-03-04T16:11:00.000+08:00

A serving of Banker Wanker's daily random thoughts;

"Groan, another early morning, I hope I hit the jackpot"
"Dang, frisky this morning aren't we, down boy"
"Please please let the traffic be light"
"Ooo, cute chick in beemer"
"Please please let it be a light day at the office"
"Move aside losers, investment banker coming through, shwing shwing"
"Ooo, she is looking hot, wonder if those are real"
"Booger check booger check"
"Red alert red alert, idiot radar buzzing"
“I wonder what Claudia Bassol is doing right now”
“Wah, damn itchy”

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“Don’t take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive” – Elbert Hubbard

Read : Remember to take the chill pill yeah.

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Overheard in Bankerland:

Capon : “Can you believe it, they quoted Libor+ 280 for the deal. We would have been landed with the commitment with no recourse out. Bunch of overpaid idiots who knows jack shit”
Banker Wanker : *nods and sighs* *munching popcorn mentally while watching the show*
Although he knows he shouldn’t but Banker Wanker is gleefully tickled to see how things are imploding for some chums who came into Bankerland soaked in too much self-importance. Ahh, the stench of failure never smelled so sweet.

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Sidekick, I can't wait to see the premier of your work to the world. We little oysters here love to see a fellow oyster from our little oyster colony breaking out into the big big world. :)

Take no hostages, leave no one behind

2010-03-02T15:33:00.001+08:00

Negotiations. Been doing that a lot lately in Bankerland and it gets tiresome especially when I am dealing with nimcompooks. But that’s the nature of my job where prolonged negotiations (sometimes pointless negotiations) take a good chunk of the total time spent bringing a transaction to the market. Be it negotiating with the clients, lawyers, regulators and even denizens from Bankerland, there are basic techniques that one should master to facilitate the process. The following are some guiding principles you should keep in mind the next time you are in negotiations territory. You can even use them when you have to negotiate with your bf/gf/fb/spouse for your rights, free passes, holiday with your buddies, golf etc. But boys, if you have to negotiate for sex, then you would truly know who wears the pants at home :)

Negotiation Techniques
- Prepare, prepare, prepare.
Enter a negotiation without proper preparation and you've already lost. Make sure you are clear on what you really want out of the arrangement. If possible research the other side to better understand their needs as well as their strengths and weaknesses.

- Timing is key.
Be sensitive to when you ask for it. There are times to press ahead, and times to wait. But beware of pushing too hard and risk jeopardizing a long-term relationship.

- No ego please.
The best negotiators either don't care or don't show they care about who gets credit for a successful deal. Their talent is in making the other side feel like the final agreement was all their idea.

- Brush up your listening skills.
The best negotiators are often good listeners who let others make their case. It's generally better to sit tight and let the other side go first as it gives you a chance to decipher what they are thinking.

- Anticipate compromise.
You should expect to make concessions and plan what they might be. Of course, the other side is thinking the same, so never take their first offer. Even if it's what you'd hoped for, be cool fool and politely decline. You never know what else you can get.

- Stick to your guns.
You must have a set of values that you just won't compromise. If you find the negotiation not in congruence with your values, it might be a deal you should walk away from.

- Close with confirmation.
Even if no final deal is struck, recap the issues covered and any areas of agreement. Make sure everyone confirms. Do not leave behind loose ends and it might be good to follow up with a memo or email.

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Overheard in Bankerland:

Banker Wanker: "I am concerned by our inability to attract new staff and to retain staff, especially good staff that is required to bring the business to another level"
General: "Yes, it is a competitive environment"
Banker Wanker: "Take for example Sidekick. Such a waste"
General: "Yes, Sidekick was really a big loss. We had big plans for her. It was truly a big loss but our hands were tied in many ways"
Banker Wanker hopes that the General sees the light and while much needs to be done, Banker Wanker is marginally heartened to see some effort on General's part to show some goodwill and intent.

Puchong Boy: "Banker Wanker, cucur udang for you?" *extends oily plastic bag with 2 marble sized pieces*
Banker Wanker: *Looks up* "I don't take crumbs"
Puchong Boy: "No weh, still got 2 pieces, not crumbs"
Banker Wanker: *gives are-you-joking look* "Yes, 2 pieces of crumbs. Come back when you have something more"
Puchong Boy: *scurries away sheepishly*
Muahahaha.

Looking for alms and new eyes

2010-03-01T10:36:00.001+08:00

Its the 3rd month of the year already! I think it is time for a quarterly stock-take on this list of things to do for 2010.

1) Visit a home (senior citizen, orphanage, etc)
2) Take a vow of silence for 1 day
3) Cook for your loved ones more often
4) Declutter your house, office cubicle and car
~~5) Tell someone that you love him/her~~
~~6) Get a hair cut that is totally different from your usual haircut~~
7) Find out a local or even foreign family/person who are living below the poverty line and send some cash in an envelope and brighten someone's day
8) Switch off your handphone for a day
~~9) Write an old fashion letter (pen and paper!) to someone~~
~~10) Hug someone you have never hugged before~~
11) Dance like you have never danced before

Still got some way to go, am a shame of myself, some of the things on the list like number 7 should be a no-brainer *spanks myself...oooo*

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Bumblebee has been:
- Yelping like a bird. (He is practicing his vocal chord at this age)
- Sticking out his tongue and attempting to lick everything that comes within an inch of his licking zone. (That's my boy! Bangga)
- Falling asleep in the car while holding him on the lap. (Super cute)
- Taking pot shots at me whenever there is a chance. (He pee-ed right at my arm pits when preparing him for his bath, real good aim I must say)
- Breaking hearts wherever he goes (Particularly at shopping malls...lost count how many ~~hot~~ girls have come up to play with him. Boy, don't you ever forget where you got your looks from kay)

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"Work is love made visible. And if you cannot work with love but only with distaste, it is better that you should leave your work and sit at the gate of the temple and take alms of those who work with joy." - Gibran

Banker Wanker is requesting for alms from those who work with joy.

"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes" – Marcel Proust

Banker Wanker is requesting for new eyes too.

Defining Moments

2010-02-22T17:58:00.000+08:00

Defining moments….its one of those elusive and rare moments that happens in one’s life and is typically life altering. It will shape the path that we traverse on in an instant and it is typically an unexpected occurrence and may be dramatic at times. Often times, a defining moment can only be appreciated long after they happen; a chance encounter with a stranger leading to marriage and kids, a business decision that makes or breaks it, buying a lottery ticket over dinner from one of those walking vendors and winning the jackpot. Continuing from my contemplative mojo phase, the following is a list of defining moments over the years that have played a fundamental part in my formative years and what I am today:

Sampling of Banker Wanker's defining moments:
- My primary 3 teacher, recognizing that I should have been placed in the top class from the onset (instead of the last class), took the initiative to promote me to the top class in primary 4. I thrived in the new environment and academically, took on a different trajectory thereafter
- My parent's divorce
- My summer holidays spent in my mum's hometown with my late uncle
- Choice of first job which triggered a series of movement thereafter, leading me to Bankerland and coming full circle with my investment banker ambition (What now?)
- Meeting Sidekick and Soulmate
- Making my first quarter of a million
- Marriage
- Birth of Bumblebee

I am about to embark on a new path and I have the feeling that it might be a defining moment, for better or for worse.

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Watched 14 Blades as part of my CNY ritual (must catch canto movie during CNY). Disappointing movie, Donnie Yen could have done better. Also caught Storm Warriors 2 on DVD (original kay, RM12.90 at Speedy..bangga). It was marginally entertaining, although I felt Storm Warriors 1 was infinitely better despite the inferior special effects. Too much slow pan and slow mo poses by Mr. Noodle (Cheng E-Kin)in part 2 (Yes, we know you have nice Pantene standard long hair, get on with the fighting already).

Intuition

2010-02-19T14:30:00.000+08:00

Hope you had a good CNY break. Mine was spent visiting relatives, shopping and taking care of Bumblebee. He was a good kid these past 5 days and was charming as a button with his yelps, toothless grin and baby talk in the mornings. I had some time to get some exercise too and it was just brilliant jogging around the lake one evening in the pouring rain, umbrella at hand and Keane’s Everybody Is Changing playing. The simple things…..

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I have always considered myself to be a fairly intuitive person and on many occasions, more than I can recall, I have relied on my “gut feel” on some decisions that required me to go beyond conscious understanding and take a leap based on that feeling. This is also true in assessing and understanding people and personalities, both in my private and work life and if I were to put a percentage to it, I got to say that it has been a right decision or assessment 75% of the time. It is important for me to be able to read someone and try to gauge what makes that person tick. The underlying is probably driven by an innate need to be able to empathize and to customize decisions, responses, actions and words in response to the person's personality. I don't get it right all the time, but trying is important to me. Which is why I get really flustered when I am unable to read someone. Worst still if it is someone that I have been friends with for several years. This was the case over the CNY hols where I finally realized that I didn't know who Moonlight was despite our years of friendship. She is reclusive by nature and probably has enough skeletons in the closet to scare the living daylights out of me, but she is a lovely person and deserves the very best. But the lack of growth in our relationship and the fact that it is beginning to be a fairly one-sided affair (Banker Wanker gives, Moonlight takes) is really pushing me away. It takes two to tango and I feel like I am dancing alone to a tune that I don't even like. De-cluttering season again.

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Check out this new blog I stumbled on, it is by a cabbie in Las Vegas. Colourful encounters in the City of Lights.

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Its the 7th day of Chinese New Year tomorrow and its everyone's birthday! Happy birthday! What a pain trying to make a booking at restaurants, most places are fully booked out. Orang Cina really know how to makan la.

Have a good weekend!

Have a good one...Happy New Year

2010-02-12T10:32:00.001+08:00

Banker Wanker wishes all his ah-pek and ah-lian readers a Happy Chinese New Year. While you are stuffing yourself silly with sweet meat, kacang, yee sang, siew yoke, fish maw, pork intestine soup, duck, biscuits, shandy and keropok, please spare a thought for Banker Wanker who has to watch what he eats this CNY due to his above-normal LDL cholesterol level :). Safe journey to all and have a good break.

Gong Xi Fa Cai, ni hou, pu hou, enjoy hou, ni ai wo, sher shoh, wo ker ai....(and other salutations for the festive season to all of you!)

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Oh, also, Happy Valentine's Day to all you lovey dovey people. While you are busy feeding your bf/gf/fb/wifey/hubby sweet meat (festive menu mahhh) over candlelight dinner, with Jay-Chou crooning his CNY cum Valentine canto-pop hit, New Year Sweet Embrace (NYSE) on the background, please remember to wear your underwear. Nanti krang, mata mata datang check. Spoil mood only. :)

Be Cool, Fool

2010-02-11T17:58:00.000+08:00

In song writing, the basic understanding of structure or the ‘form’ of the song must be imbued by the psychological understanding that people have an unconscious desire for symmetry, and that the repetition of melodies, rhymes and form satisfies that need. The repetition of form also sets up a degree of predictability that's reassuring and comfortable to a listener i.e. a verse to start with, then a chorus, back to a verse, perhaps a bridge in between and the finale with the chorus fading. Transpose this to our everyday lives; we are all creatures of habit and the sense of predictability and repetition of routines gives us some form of comfort and the familiar is always such a safe place to be. I wonder if subconsciously, in our approach to relationships, careers and life experiences in general, do some of us follow a set of actions and responses that results in the corresponding outcomes, good or otherwise, that are repetitive and predictable? For example, dating. Obviously its never nice exiting from what seemed to be a great relationship at the onset and then having to go through the whole rigmarole of breaking-up, denial, acceptance and recovery. But subconsciously, I wonder if for some, could the thought of rediscovering new love thereafter or even experiencing the pain and tears of a breakup (yes, some of us can be sadistic that way and for some, pain is associated with the feeling of being alive cause its better to feel something than nothing at all) be so appealing that we “programme” ourselves to find reasons and avenues to engineer an exit, and repeat what we have done in the past cause they feel familiar? Look around you, do you see anyone like that?

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Watch Glee! Great music and characters!

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Sidekick got me a book, The New Dad’s Survival Guide – Man-to-Man Advice For First Time Fathers by Scott Mactavish. It’s a light-hearted manual for clueless fathers on what to expect from pregnancy till a 3 month old baby. I love some of the military styled abbreviations used in the book, which had me cracking up like a sick hyena. Some sampling:

BCF = Be Cool, Fool
NFU = New Family Unit
FPP = Female Parenting Partner

Critical Survival Tip : Your NFU will look just like an alien for her first few minutes of freedom. She may be covered in a waxy white substance or blood. For God’s sake, this is definitely a time to be BCF.

Post labor : Inevitably, the NFU must be taken to the nursery for measurements, cleaning and perhaps testing. It is difficult to watch him go with the nurse, but go he must. Just BCF.

The Discharge : You help the FPP into the car and drive off, happy to be heading home. Be advised, you will instinctively drive very slowly and scream the f-word at anyone who drives up on your back bumper. The FPP will say, “BCF.”

:) Be Cool, Fool....

Regrets...I Have A Few

2010-02-10T11:39:00.001+08:00

Overheard in Banker Wanker’s world:

Moonlight : “Do you think you have met your soulmate?”
Banker Wanker : “Yes”
Moonlight : “Not your…..”
Banker Wanker : “No”
Moonlight : “I understand…I feel you”
Banker Wanker : *looks under the table to see*
Moonlight : “Haha…I meant emotionally…for now”
Banker Wanker thinks that relationships of all kinds are opportunities for growth and seen from that angle, a better perspective on the relationships we create, develop and nurture can be achieved. He read that soulmates, whether romantic or not, arrive in your sphere for a reason. Instead of focusing so much on love and the imaginary "happily ever after," we should try re-focusing on life, and the entire truth of its experience.

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More output from my current contemplative mojo, and this time, it is about regrets. I am happy for those who professes to have no regrets in life or do not dwell in the past and merely live for the moment and the future…but hey, who are we kidding here. It is human to have regrets and I am trying to be as objective as possible in dissecting parts of my life that IS at the moment because of what WAS in the past. Ironic that I am using the word objective here, cause regrets are hardly ever objective but more emotive than anything else.

Regrets…
- Returning home after my studies (might have avoided the next regret)
- Marrying the wrong person
- Wrong career path
- Not taking better care of my health
- Too forgiving in the past
- Trying too much to be responsible and too unselfish at times to the detriment of my own happiness (and hence trying to make up for lost time now and trying to make a life for myself)
- Not saying what I feel at times
- Not buying that gorgeous 2 door car (available cash now tied up as equity in overpriced house, no sight of gorgeous 2 door car for the next 10 years)

Some can be fixed, some not…Banker Wanker is still very much work in progress.

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Check out this food review on Tanjung Tualang's famous fresh water prawns. I have been there before and it is awesome. Better try it out before the fresh water ponds in Perak dry-up in the future.

These are a few of my favourite things...

2010-02-09T11:15:00.002+08:00

Since my little blood pressure episode, my contemplation mojo has been in overdrive and I have been reflecting on various aspects of my life and dissecting them to minute details to get a sense of where I am at the moment, what is important to me, what is lacking in my life at this stage, where do I want to head to, etc. This is a list of the small things/everyday things that I look forward to or enjoy when they materialize unexpectedly:

- Buying second hand books and discovering some hand written notes by previous owners while flipping through the pages
- Discovering good bread and pastries (latest being RK Pastries in SS15 Subang Jaya)
- My weekly walks at Kiara Park accompanied by some good music from my MP3
- Encountering wildlife (wild fowl, snakes, monkeys) during my weekly walks. (Don’t ask, KL boy a bit jakun sometimes)
- My Japanese tin can hitting a sweet spot with the engine humming silkily and the road ahead is void of traffic so that I can rev the counter for a while, windows down, wind blowing.
- Discovering forgotten money in pockets and books at home
- My bowl of cereals with low fat milk
- Reading before I call it a night
- Fresh laundry
- An afternoon nap with no one at home

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I have been working on migrating to Wordpress but the lack of time and also trying to reproduce the existing design is hampering my progress. I really do want to post some graphics/pictures to add some dimension but till I am happy with the Wordpress look, its still Banker Wanker at blogspot for the time being. Sabar ya :)

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I think the world economy is in a "W" recovery phase.

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Overheard in Bankerland:

Da King : "What are we doing here? Underpaid, work is s**t"
Banker Wanker : "Dunno"
Top Gun : "I also dunno, its time to leave I think"
Da King : "Yeah, but the question is where"
Top Gun : "Start looking, we are clearly underpaid here"
Banker Wanker : "Yeah, job market is pretty okay, can place out easily. Here, upward mobility is challenging with the General's low cost mentality and the layer of fat above us"
Top Gun : "Yar man"
Banker Wanker is comforted that he is not the only disgruntled employee here. At the same time, he is also alarmed by how things have deteriorated here and how the "pillars" of the department has gone from highly motivated staff to demotivated ones in a span of 6 months. Lesson for the year, the only constant thing is change. Let us embrace it.

A Quickie

2010-02-04T08:22:00.000+08:00

Overheard in Bankerland:

After returning from a pitch
Ghee Tosai(underachiever, highly paid staff): "You think we screwed up in anyway?"
Capon: "Well, yes and no..blah blah blah"
Banker Wanker and others eavesdropping on conversation at doorway. Yes, they did screw up and Capon was doing his usual "lets-think-this-through-console-myself" talk.

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Had a long weekend taking care of Bumblebee. Brought him to the doctor for his checkup and jab, and am glad to report that he is healthy and pink. In fact, the boy is putting on weight real fast! That's my boy....

Body is aching like mad and my knees and back are hurting from all the carrying and walking. Age is really catching up...

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Visited the doctor yesterday and my blood pressure was sky high and I have made the decision that it is time to take medication to alleviate the problem. I have procrastinated too long and have used too many excuses to avoid it, but unless I want to see daylight beyond 35, its the only way.

For you working professionals out there with stressful jobs and family history, please go and have a check up soon yar, Banker Wanker needs all of you to stay healthy so that you can continue reading this blog!*so perasan hor*

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Its been ages since I last went for a job interview, what more a job that I truly am interested in. So this week, I decided that it is time to seriously look at what's out there in the job market and start meeting some people, which I did and I am glad I did it. I won't say I did fantastically, probably give myself a 7.5 out of 10. But it does feel good breaching that psychological barrier of finally deciding that enough is enough. Lets get a move on...I urge you to follow suit too if you are unhappy about something in your own life. Life is really too short.

Just a quick post for now, promise to write more soon, stay tune, ovar and out. Meanwhile check out Kinkybluefairy's post on her trip to Spain recently. *Banker Wanker super jeles now...sigh, Spain and Claudia Bassol* :)

One Of Those Day...Week Actually

2010-01-29T14:26:00.001+08:00

Banker Wanker has been busy busting chops and running solo on work due to some resource constraints at this juncture. He refuses to say anything more to the bosses to try to address the situation. Also, he realizes that work can be a good distraction from having to face his inner demons that are threatening to spill out from his chubby frame.

Have a good three day weekend for those working in the Federal Territories. Meanwhile, enjoy this post from Metrodad, Diary Of A Single Dad. Will see y'all soon yar.

Sorry, I Just Want To Be Happy

2010-01-27T09:13:00.000+08:00

I recalled as a kid how hard it was to say sorry, as the word ultimately meant an admission of wrongdoing, of guilt, of regret and at times, of failure. As we grew up, sorry was surely the quickest way to avoid prolonged nagging and to escape the stickiest of situations, merely paying lip service to the word without actually meaning it. I believe sorry is the single most used word peppered in our everyday conversations, spoken meaninglessly without actually meaning them.

Sorry seems to be the hardest word, which is what Elton John sang. And I just realised that when he sang it, it wasn’t merely from the perspective of the person who has to say sorry, but also the receiver. From this perspective, sorry can be the saddest word. “Sorry, I don’t love you” “Sorry, I didn’t mean to do it” “Sorry, I can’t give you that” “Sorry, you don’t mean anything to me”. For the receiving end, the word often times meant confirmation of an unfortunate and tragic fact, affirmation of a suspicion or betrayal, closure, sorrow and sadness, among others. It is truly the hardest and saddest word at times...

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Overheard in Banker Wanker's world:

Midori : "I am really sorry"
Banker Wanker : "Its okay, really, it is"
Banker Wanker hopes that that is all the sorry for the year he will get. Also, this is the last posting on Midori, let bygones be bygones.

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Leona Lewis says it all in her latest hit Happy

Someone once told me that you have to choose
What you win or lose
You can’t have everything

Don’t you take chances
You might feel the pain
Don’t you love in vain
’cause love won’t set you free

I can’t stand by the side
And watch this life pass me by
So unhappy
But safe as could be

So what if it hurts me?
So what it I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge,
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don’t care about all the pain in front of me
I just trying to be happy
I just wanna be happy, yeah

Holding on tightly
Just can’t let go
Just trying to play my role
Slowly disappear

But all these days
They feel like they’re they’re same
Just different faces
Different place
Get me out of here

Wallflower and My Cinderella

2010-01-26T10:36:00.000+08:00

I love the fact that people generally see me as an unassuming person, largely due, I suspect, to my non-descript looks (like a Saab) and mild-mannered demeanor (like a Volvo). This works great for me, not because it presents an opportunity for me to dazzle them unexpectedly with my otherwise magnetic personality and charm *rolls eyes*, but because I love being a wallflower nowadays. I was never always like that though and the idea of being indistinguishable and absolutely normal in the sea of people was not something I aspire in the past. Maybe its because I have earned some stripes and I don’t feel the inclination to try to push my way to the front of the crowd to make a point. I had rather have my work and record do the talking. Maybe I am just burnt out and know that an incremental effort doesn’t translate into proportionate returns. I hope I can put it all together soon with my own Cinderella...

Chorus to One Headlight by the Wallflowers
Hey, come on try a little
Nothing is forever
There's got to be something better than
In the middle
But me & Cinderella
We put it all together
We can drive it home
With one headlight

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Overheard in Bankerland:

Small Dick: "Sher ah, wo man sher shor, finance calculator, absolute return hor, ni men paper, how shor ah, woh ai ni ah..etc etc"
Fresh Siew Pau: "Sher ah, won puh huei ming pai ah, hen haou ah, woh meh you ai ni ah, rate of return hen hou ah..etc etc"
Banker Wanker: *gives ninja death stare* "Please speak in English"
Banker Wanker supports the idea of mastering several languages and speaking in dialects to preserve the languages as part of UNESCO's worldwide campaign. But when it is in relation to work discussion by two employees who are currently struggling with English (both conversational and written), the least they could do is to try to converse in English in work related matters.

Banker Wanker apologizes for the lousy mandarin transcript above as Banker Wanker does not speak his own mother tongue. Please forward all grouses, complaints and Chairman Mao's funded hate mails to my dear mum and dad at WeLoveABC@geemail.com :)

KL...My Identity

2010-01-25T16:00:00.001+08:00

I caught up with some old friends from my previous work place recently and we couldn't help but notice how our conversations have changed over the years. Back then, when we were all single and fairly fresh around the gills, it was about what we would do in the future, bitching about the bosses, politics and checking out girls over teh tarik...just shooting the breeze. With most of us now married with kids, the conversations have gone to breast pumps (single vs double, power output etc), lactation (heavy flow or dripping), cradling techniques (shoulder vs chest), formula milk (brands and pricing) and sex (the lack of it that is). How times have changed.

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I love to drive around KL (non peak hours or weekends only of course), using routes that I am familiar with and sometimes even driving into unexplored areas to see where it leads me to. I have been living in KL for most of my teen and adult life, have experienced the myriad ways of getting around KL (when mini buses in different colors were in vogue) and have fond memories of various places, eateries, malls, shops, hideouts and even pathways. While it is a rare occasion for me to be walking around KL nowadays, my drives around KL, in the comfort of my Japanese tin can does elicit a sense of deja-vu and at different sights, sounds and even smells, I can almost transport myself back to those carefree days when I used to roam around KL with my buddies and ex'es; remembering the drink stall where we pit stopped on the way to the bus station, the uncle that used to sell traditional chinese candies, the makcik frying rancid smelling keropok lekor and the rempit baskers crooning old-school malay and english rock songs. KL has definitely changed since then with the sky scrapers, new watering holes, ultra expensive condominiums and LRT/monorail lines snaking above. Some are good, some are bad and a lot of them are unnecessary. But there are still parts of KL that has remained relatively unchanged, providing glimpses of what it was, like a window to the past. I like these unchanging parts of KL, it is its identity, and while I look out of the window from Bankerland, I feel an affinity to it cause it is a microcosm of my past self which I can relate to...the rest, as the saying goes, no longer is...

As Time Goes By

2010-01-21T09:18:00.001+08:00

Overheard in Bankerland:

-- Banker Wanker : "Why isn't this clause incorporated into the mandate letter?"
Fresh Siew Pau : "I dunno, but Snoop Dawg told me once before, but I can't remember now" *looks at Snoop Dawg, manja tone* "Snooop Dawwgggg, tell me, tell me again laa"
Snoop Dawg : *gives wtf look*
Banker Wanker : "Think it through on your own first"
Fresh Siew Pau : "Ok" *goes behind later and continues to bug Snoop Dawg*
Banker Wanker thinks some people deserves to be slapped out of their bubble and into reality.

-- Isabella : "You were good at the meeting just now, client was hanging on to every word you said"
Banker Wanker : "I was just winging it, I think there were some mistakes"
Isabella : "Well, it was convincing enough"
Banker Wanker : "Amazing how we can convince other people, but not ourselves when it matters most"
Banker Wanker thinks that sometimes we are all too harsh on ourselves and that we ought to give ourselves a break once in a while.

+++

I have shared with others how it felt like to turn 30 some years back and now after a couple of years into my 3rd decade, it is truly scary how time flies by in a blink of an eye. Perhaps as we get older, and as more worldly things are thrust upon us, we spend the finite time we have trying to juggle 6 balls in the air, focusing just on the moment itself, day in day out. And in these moments, it is almost impossible to really cherish the time we have as all our energy and consciousness is devoted to the task at hand, of trying to keep the 6 balls up in the air. This is exacerbated by the growing list of things to do and unfulfilled goals, desires and achievements which just gets longer and longer by the year. We feel caved in by the finite time we have to try to make an impact and perhaps in our haste to achieve something, we may succumb to short cuts and halfheartedness, never really fulfilling one's potential and ultimately leading to a less than desired outcome in every aspect of our lives. I hope this is not the case for you and I hope it is not for me for much longer....

"But if in you thought you must measure time into seasons, let each season encircle all the other seasons, And let today embrace the past with remembrance and the future with longing." – Gibran

"Banker Wanker, why you so antisocial wannnnn..."

2010-01-19T14:47:00.000+08:00

I couldn't remember the last time I was home alone for the night. But with an early flight to catch in the morning and feeling like something the cat dragged in, the grand plans I had bubbling in my head during the ride back simmered to a packed noodle dinner, wantons and a nice flute of bubbly. With the TV on the background, a bowl of noodles on my lap and highly spaced out, a profound feeling of melancholy settled in. I took a large swig of bubbly, look at the bubbles shift around in the flute and feel slightly better as the alcohol seeps in. Washed up and took a final swig straight from the bottle and crashed into bed hoping for a dreamless night to ease the ache...predictably it didn't, but at least I was alive, and the pounding sound of my heartbeat in my head was a reminder of that. At least I have that for now...

+++

I didn't particularly have an enjoyable weekend, and while I do enjoy taking care of Bumblebee, he was in one of his moods that meant extreme crankiness and crying. Boy, does he have a temper and to think he likely got it from me, so that is karma for you. I think the lack of personal time is getting to me, so much so that I actually look forward to spending some 'quality' time in the bathroom i.e longer showers, reading a book while I am sitting on the throne etc etc. I blame these antisocial tendencies on my lonely upbringing where books and drawing blocks were my friends. Mom and dad were almost never around while bro (who was way older than me) had his pimples and scrawny girls to worry about. I suppose it is all meant to be, cause since I am in no position to be social nowadays, the least I have is the ability to enjoy my antisocial tendencies. I don't expect everyone to get this, but I am sure there are a few disquiet souls out there who comprehends. Cheers to that, we are not alone....

+++

Apologies for not posting earlier, Banker Wanker has been busy helping clients to get richer. What's in it for me I hear you ask...well, got to fill up my bowl of peanuts. Dang, multicolored jelly beans are so elusive. :)

Multicolored Jelly Beans

2010-01-14T20:47:00.000+08:00

Wanderlust in her eyes, trimmed silhouette, new curls. Banker Wanker feels a tug and goes to the mug. Just when I thought I was cruising along the highway of reverie, I was in fact on the highway of suspended misery.

+++

Overheard in Bankerland:

-- Capon : "I have told The General that we got to move away from this low cost mentality and start paying for talents, including addressing the pay issues for our existing staff"
Banker Wanker : *nods silently*
Capon : "Frankly, I am also feeling demotivated from all the expensive hires downstairs, and they can't even deliver!"
Banker Wanker : *nods more*
Capon : "My work load is increasing by the day and I am being paid peanuts"
Banker Wanker : *Gasp, there is actually more than peanuts out there??*
Banker Wanker looks at bowl of peanuts and is now fixated with the quest for multicolored jelly beans instead. Yumm...

-- Cherry Merry : "Eh Banker Wanker, how are you la"
Banker Wanker : "I am ok, how are things in Low Key Bank?"
Cherry Merry : "Ok la, been trying to find a head, business as usual lorr. Eh, you looking to leave or not? I want to hire you la, this year. Come and join us la"
Banker Wanker : "Got push factor already, waiting for pull, but want to collect my year end peanuts first"
Cherry Merry : "That means can explore laa"
Banker Wanker : "Definitely, I give you a call when I am ready?"
Cherry Merry : "Ok, set"
Banker Wanker sees jelly beans, but don't know if they are multicolored or not.

+++

This post in Marc and Angel speaks to me as I have been contemplating for the longest time to pursue some business ventures on my own. Not for the lack of ideas, it has been a road paved with procrastination and fear. I don't profess to have much, so there is not much to lose from failure, but the little I have means a lot to my dependents. And the pessimist in me knows that out of 10 new business ventures, 8 would be flops. We only hear people raving about the success stories but never those that went into the doldrums. But lately, I have started to take some concrete steps in my spare time to put some pieces together, in hope that as more pieces fall together, the fear in me can be assuage. It is beginning to dawn on me that the potential financial rewards is secondary to the pursuit of creating something that you can truly call as your own. To continue in Bankerland is not a choice anymore but a necessity to pay the bills. So this venture that I hope to pursue is a need; a need to live a little, to maintain some semblance of sanity and to proof to myself that I can do something meaningful. Stay tune, its time to get a move on now...

The Simple Things.

2010-01-13T09:44:00.000+08:00

Attended some training in Bankerland Academy in the first half of the morning yesterday and thereafter went to the maid agency to fill up the forms to bring in help for Bumblebee. Was on the way back to Bankerland, and was on a look out for a quick lunch somewhere and that was when I spied a van with the big ass sign "pesambor dan cendol" under a tree somewhere near Taman Megah. Swung in my Japanese tin can, parked, made my order of pesambor, tambah sotong, tambah kelapa, took out my cuffs, rolled up my sleeves, sat under the tree and tucked into my plate...sun shining, food was good, no conversations......bliss, the simple things in life.

+++

My mum has been bugging me about getting a health checkup and my blood pressure condition and all. She says its time I take the pill (blood pressure pill, in case you are wondering why I need THE pill). Obviously I have resisted thus far due to the life time commitment of the pill but slowly but surely, it is an inevitable decision I would have to make soon. Perhaps it is for the better, then I can stop fretting about whether my condition could possibly cripple my future employment opportunities. For the life of me, I can never understand the thinking behind the fear and phobia of going to the doctor. Cause, really, the promise of a better and longer life should outweigh that fear 2000 to 1? Could it be the fear of discovering an illness that will shorten my life or an ailment that will require drastic changes in my lifestyle? Is the underlying fear one of mortality or the fear of change (to my state of mind and lifestyle)? Shouldn't the existence of Bumblebee means I got to do better for myself so that he can have his dad around to play ball, wrestle and gawk at women together?

I am either a selfish person or a person that doesn't believe that he deserves to have a long life. How did I ever become any of these? My umesyu bottles, here I come...

+++

Overheard in Bankerland's carpark after hours:

Energizer Bunny Girl : boing boing "Banker Wanker! You are shrinking!"
Banker Wanker : "Yeah, its all the sex la, damn woman"
Energizer Bunny Girl : stops boing-ing "Huh?"
Banker Wanker : "I meant, since my kid came out, I have been shrinking"
Energizer Bunny Girl : "Ohh, hehe, what a funny term, came out..."
Banker Wanker : "Yah watttt *hand gestures of baby coming out from crotch area* "
Banker Wanker doesn't think Energizer Bunny Girl will ever initiate conversations again.. :)

+++

I am hankering for some German pork knuckle today, I think I am going to Hutong food court for lunch. Ahh, the simple things....oink oink.

On The Road ..One Day

2010-01-11T16:16:00.002+08:00

The Queen and I are serious movie buffs and since Bumblebee's arrival, we have had to be pretty selective on the movies that we catch on the big screen (we have my mum and maid to thank for babysitting Bumblebee). Thus far, we have caught Avatar (I still long to hump a Na'vi chick) and Sherlock Holmes (dark but interesting interpretation of the characters, Robert Downey can do no wrong). Two movies in as many months is bad by our standards, but the releases have not been great and we have had to prioritize. Which means our DVD purchases have ramped up, much to the delight of Rupi, our friendly neighborhood entrepreneur who swears that pirated DVDs are good for the local movie industry. Not wishing to argue with him (largely due to the exposed flower tattoo and fairly impressive biceps) I normally make my purchases quickly and scoot out in a cloud of anonymity. Before you folks berate me on supporting the triads, copy right infringement and indirectly supporting vice activities etc etc...look, I am not proud of buying pirated stuff and in my very-weak defense, its about the only pirated/fake stuff that I buy on a regular basis. Home entertainment after a day of milk runs, burping, poo handling and night feeds is a NEED for new parents, like what cocaine is to [fill in name of any Hollywood star) and sex is to [fill in name of any male on planet earth].

So, movies watched at home recently; Twilight, Revolutionary Road and Blood The Last Vampire. Don't ask me why there is so many vampire themed movies in the list, it was just the pick and they sucked big time (pun intended). But I tell ya, please go and watch Revolutionary Road if you have not. The subject matter speaks to my soul and is relevant to all married (soon to be married), late 20s to 30s, suburbia, medium income people out there. Kate Winslet, you are brilliant.

+++

So, if you could escape and leave the country, where would it be? I suppose the considerations would be family, kids and all, but lets live a little here and assume that you have turned into a selfish bastard and all you want to do is start a new and escape. So, yes, this is an escapism scenario. Perhaps to wintery Russia? homelife in Sicily? Tokyo? New York? London? If I was April Wheeler in Revolutionary Road, I will choose Spain, largely due to the show Spain - On The Road Again. Also because I would choose a country where I don't speak the language just so that the experience feels more foreign. If I close my eyes real hard (constipation hard), I can just imagine going around Spain in my 6 Series tourer, top down, sun is shining, James Morrison playing in the background and I am in Valencia chomping down on some paella, Catalunya for seafood, hunting the best Iberico pork in Castilla Y Leon, Madrid's churros and hot chocolate and endless coastal roads up north to Galicia. Oh, Charlize Theron (as usual) would be there with me too, but if she is tied-up with her UNICEF initiatives, I am ok settling for Claudia Bassols. She can earn her keep by licking of my fingers while we cook lobster stew on my 30 footer yacht named Charlize. :)

But seriously, have been thinking about leaving the country, more so with Bumblebee in the picture and the state of economy and social/religious disarray that the country is in.

+++

Overheard in Bankerland:

--- On Contract Boy : "Back when I was at Super Bank, we did this in Mega Deal etc etc and then we did that in Mega Deal 2 etc etc"
Banker Wanker : "Market in different now and we have already established ourselves as experts in these sort of transaction"
On Contract Boy : "Ok, but I know the Chairman's son so we can try to use it as leverage"
Banker Wanker : "No you can't. I have done presentations to the board of directors and its a chinaman company with the necessary quota of Bumiputra directors and Bumiputra chairman. They ultimately rely on Mr Chinaman's recommendation and we have Mr Chinaman covered"
On Contract Boy :" Oh...."
Banker Wanker : *mentally throws peace sign gawai style*
Banker Wanker feels that Bankerland is hiring too many expensive retrenched foreign investment bankers and realizing thereafter that many of them are just duds.

+++

It is 11 January today and it has been 1 month since Soulmate left and not a day goes by when I don't think of her. I miss ya, write soon.

It has been 11 days since Sidekick left and I feel the lost of a friend and confidante, I miss you dearly, see you soon.

Mr. Konekbruisekow

2010-01-08T14:45:00.000+08:00

I can't seem to add pictures/graphics into my post, the "add picture/graphics" button is not available at all. Can someone help? :( ...I am hopeless when it comes to blogging.

+++

The Queen and I have been traversing between home and the Out-laws (in-laws) to drop Bumblebee off every morning and boy, been really feeling my age. The early morning drive across west PJ and then through traffic to our respective offices in KL means I clock some serious mileage everyday. Coupled with my stoned demeanor before my morning coffee in the office, you can imagine how sunshiney I am in my Japanese tin can. I can't understand how women (the Queen in this case) wants to still have a conversation early in the morning. For me, I am just happy dodging the rempits, listening to the radio and thinking about how great Charlize Theron would look sitting in my brand new Porsche Panamera (yes, the one I am going to buy when I have earned my gazillion buckeroos). Obviously the grunts and head nods from us male folk would never suffice and things would predictably come to head with the oh-so-often-asked question cum mini statement of sorts.. "Why you so glum this morning? Bad mood ah?" Reads : "Yes, I am marginally interested to know what's wrong but hell, you better start making some coherent sounds from that gab of yours"

Me, I am thinking that 1) its way too early to be up AND having to put up with this, 2) I need coffee now and 3) the lack (err, none?) of bedroom action in the last one year has probably contributed to my glumness. *hears tiny squeaky voice from the south...ahbutthen*

+++

Overheard in Bankerland

-- Da King : "Banker Wanker, your girlfriend is here"
Banker Wanker : "Which one? Oh dear, I had some demented girlfriends in the past la...was almost placed under Traumatised Ex's BF Protection Programme weh under a Scandinavian pseudo Mr. Konekbruisekow"
Da King : "Ms Skanky la"
Banker Wanker : "Ooooohh...*looks over*...that's almost good enough to change one's name to Mr. Konekbruisekow"
Banker Wanker thinks the conversations in Bankerland are going downhill day by day laaa... :)

I Man, You Woman...Rah Rah

2010-01-06T15:26:00.002+08:00

Currently listening to latest albums by Jamie Cullum, Colbie Callait, Train, Carrie Underwood, Robbie William, Boyz II Men, Bon Jovi and Leona Lewis. Trying to get some new sounds to spur my synapses and hope they fire more this new year. Been digging up some old stuff from my collection too to rekindle memories. Sniff sniff, 80s and 90s music are damn emo la.

+++

I truly felt lonely at the beginning of the week and was pretty lost on Monday after working hours. I didn't want to go back (don't ask me why) and I didn't have any plans for dinner or drinks and the idea of sitting alone at a bar was not appealing. It hit me then that the people that I wanted to be with most at that time was either not around or have moved on from Bankerland. I questioned if my existence was merely a reflection of these people that I have immersed myself in over the years and without them around, that I am akin to the ever changing and formless surface of the ocean at night, seen only through the reflection of the moonlight. These bouts of loneliness is intricately tied to my continued quest to try to rationalize the many roles that I play and the corresponding "faces" that I put on in both my personal and working life. I fear I am unable to say for certain which "face" is the true me and while one can argue they are all a composite of my being, I continue to struggle to identify and define what I am and it is in this failure that I am unable to be truly happy. How can one find happiness when one doesn't know himself first and foremost?

+++

With Bumblebee in the picture and the Queen back to work, my role as dad, husband and provider at home has intensified and is throwing me off my axis again. The sacrifices of trying to fit into Bumblebee's schedule is something I am still grappling with. Although I know I shouldn't, I have been comparing my level of involvement with the other dads I know, and I have to say I have been quite cemerlang. Maybe too cemerlang and my male DNA is simply rejecting it. All this expectations of what a modern dad should be must have been propagated by feminist (through women magazines and day time talk shows of course) sometime at the turn of the century. As a result, we have Metro Dads who are 1/3 daddy, 1/3 mummy and 1/3 Martha Stewart. I can just hear the hoards of women asking where they can find one of these Metro Dads for themselves to induct into full time baby making and post natal care. I suspect you would have better luck in non-Asian countries where feminism have been rah-rah- ing for a longer time. We Asian men still wear the pants and rule the house rah rah. Well at least some of us still think we do :)

Banker Wanker Love Guru

2010-01-05T16:36:00.001+08:00

Remember the times when a new year was a highly anticipated event, not just because of the celebrations but also the fact that you were about to be a year older and you can finally move up a notch in the age bracket, earn an extra stripe and get oh so much closer to the coveted yuppy age or an age where the adults actually took you seriously or an age where things are suppose to be better as your career, family life etc finally take-off? As I grow older, and I suspect for many out there in my age bracket and above, the significance of a new year is probably less celebratory and exuberant anticipation but more of a sense of mortality, uncertainty of what the year will bring and what it will mean for the future and an overall sense of "yeah, a new year, a year older, getting old hor, what now?"

Will it ever get better Banker Wanker I hear you ask? I don't really know, am still waiting to find out myself, so stay tune.

+++

Midori : "It's hard to do, this breakup thing. Am trying to move on, but its so darn hard letting go, even though you know there is no future to it. Perhaps I just don't love him enough"
Banker Wanker : "Its better and fairer for both sides in the long run, but yeah, it will hurt like hell now. I have been there, done that, so I know what you are going through. But you know about my thing with the Queen? Well, that is the consequences of not having the guts to break away...learn from me la"

Booty Call :"I am taking a time-out from my boy"
Banker Wanker :"Like any game, time outs got definite time...so what is your time frame?"
Booty Call :"Dunno, haven't figure it out yet"
Banker Wanker :"Don't let it fester, think of a time frame, otherwise, it will be hard to extract yourself...learn from me la"

Banker Wanker realizes that many people are learning from Banker Wanker's life....so great ah my life? :) Lerr...so tragic la, hence why always counseling equally tragic people...come come, sit with Banker Wanker, da Love Guru and tell me all your troubles. I am sure I have something in my trunk of life to sooth your heartaches and tears, if not I am always good for a laugh or a short roll in the hay.

+++

Overheard in Bankerland

Capon : "I am blown away by the CV of that person you met, we must try to hire her"
Banker Wanker : "Yes, she is good, which means you got to pay top dollar"
Capon: "Well, we will see about that..."
Banker Wanker mentally throws 100 venom laced shirukens towards Capon's crotch area.

Isabella : "Seriously, you need to stop sending so many emails to client"
Puchong Boy : "Noted"
Isabella : "And you don't have to call the client EVERY single day!"
Puchong Boy : "Noted"
Isabella : "And please clear with me all documents before you send them out!"
Puchong Boy : "Noted"
Wash, rinse, spin, repeat next week. Noted

Value Proposition

2009-12-31T11:35:00.001+08:00

With the spate of resignations in Bankerland, I have had to take a step back and ask what is it that Bankerland can offer to its employees. Perhaps, specifically, The General and Capon, what can they offer to their staff in the department. Obviously in these day and age, money is not and cannot be the only solution to long term loyalty and staff retention. And after much thought and brutal soul searching and reality checks, I realised that Bankerland is just going no where. All this rah-rah about regional expansion are just, well rah-rah. I have severe doubts now on the ability of The General and Capon to lead us to the promised land in a timeframe which is reasonable. I suppose at their level, they have much to lose and taking off to another organization is out of their comfort zone. So they got to stick with this and try to make it work. But it is truly a conundrum when their experiences have mainly been confined to the local market. Coupled with their policy of not hiring foreign help but rely on home grown organic talent, we have the perfect recipe for denial and the inability to execute the roadmap. Don't get me wrong, I am cool with home grown organic talent but sometimes, a dose of new blood could be the needed catalyst for a paradigm shift. On this premise, for the younger ones in the department who can recognize that we are not going anywhere here, the only option to avoid redundancy in 10 years time is to move on to a place that can offer a wider scope of work.

Sleep on it and hope for an epiphany.

+++

If God was an employer and we are employed as denizens on earth (I am keeping all the biblical promises etc out of here and just trying to create a contextual frame), what would be the value proposition for our existence here? Is it to experience sparodic happiness in one's life? Is it to live a path, irregardless of the destination, and say at the end of the day that it was the journey that matters? To enjoy earth and its material objects? To experience love? Is living life as great as its made out to be? Is our existence necessary save for the continuity of the human species? When Bumblebee grows up, what do I tell him when he ask the reason for his existence?

I do not have a definite answer to all of these and perhaps the answer is only realisable towards the end of our lives, which in itself is a true tragedy. Perhaps the trick is to observe the people around us that seem to operate and live with meaning and purpose.Hmmm, where do I find meself some truly happy people, nyek nyek nyek.......

+++

Overheard in Bankerland:

-- Banker Wanker:"I do not think our value proposition to our staff is strong..we do not have a regional story etc etc"
The General :"We are working on it, albeit at a slow pace"
Banker Wanker :"Staff might be worried about redundancy in 10 years time etc etc"
The General :"Not true, Capon and myself don't really have much of a regional background but we continue to get job offers from foreign banks..*rah rah rah about past glories*"
Banker Wanker :"The future might be different?"
Banker Wanker thinks that The General and Capon might be suffering from tunnel vision and illusion of past grandeur.

+++

Since the Queen is about to start work again after her maternity leave, we have been planning for Bumblebee's care for the days when we are both working trying to earn the buckeroos to fund his milk runs and diapers. The tricky part really is trying to balance Bumblebee's time with both in-laws and the help they would require to take care of him. The guilt does set in sometimes since it would mean a considerable sacrifice on their part especially to their daily routine and freedom. Don't get me started on the process of trying to get a maid, eventhough if you are willing to pay good money for help. The fear from hearing the horror stories associated with a foreign maid is enough to give me sleepless nights.

Sherlock Holmes the movie starring Robert Downey is cool la, go watch it!

+++

My last post for the year, so be good and have a Happy New Year. Let's turn the page and hope for the best and if the best is elusive at the end of it, we shall and will continue to soldier on because that is the best we can do. Over and out for 2009.

Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid

2009-12-24T11:47:00.001+08:00

So, its Christmas Eve and the whole jing bang will be congregating for the annual Christmas Eve dinner. It is a great time of the year...yadah, yadi, yadah...just ain't feeling it this year and I wonder if I will ever feel it again. I suppose that is why, like in the movies, families get exuberantly excited when there is a new face to the gatherings i.e. new boyfriends/girlfriends, fiance, fuck buddies etc. Its a welcomed distraction to the otherwise mundane conversations (and oh so often repeated topics) and the glossing over unspoken family politics. Well, at least I will have Bumblebee to humor me this time round *secretly praying for him to go nuclear poo poo today, the scent will mix well with the curry chicken...yummm*

+++

Apparently Capon is tired, not sure if that extends to his personal life as well. But heck, I rather be tired with a big fat salary than be tired with peanuts as salary. So, am sorry if I can't really sympathize with his jadedness. All I know is, its affecting the people and morale here. Market share is down too and the other banks are either way ahead or are at level playing field now. We have some structural issues here which I am not sure if Capon and the General sees, but I really don't want to be around when the shit hits the fan. Nasi akan menjadi bubur tak lama lagi. Blurp

+++

Overheard in Bankerland:
--Snoop Dawg:"Banker Wanker, how la, so many people leaving, 2010 is going to be an interesting year"
Banker Wanker: "Don't worry la. Oh, I can say that coz I am leaving :))))"
Snoop Dawg: "Bugger you"
Banker Wanker: *peace sign gawai style*

--Petals :"Eh, why all your key staff leaving la?"
Capon :"Dunno, I thought their compensation was sufficient"
When Banker Wanker heard this, he wanted to stab hiw own eyeballs and eardrums. Capon very well know and has admitted in the past that compensation for some staff was way below the average. I fear for everyone's future here if the mindset is such..be afraid, be very afraid.

+++

Merry Christmas and try to be happy yar. Avatar is a kick ass movie, I so want to be a Na'vi now and hump a Na'vi chick.

10 Things.....

2009-12-21T19:58:00.003+08:00

Since its the year end, this is my obligatory post on things we should all try do for the new year:

11 Things To Do For The New Year

1) Visit a home (senior citizen, orphanage, etc)
2) Take a vow of silence for 1 day
3) Cook for your loved ones more often
4) Declutter your house, office cubicle and car
5) Tell someone that you love him/her
6) Get a hair cut that is totally different from your usual haircut
7) Find out a local or even foreign family/person who are living below the poverty line and send some cash in an envelope and brighten someone's day
8) Switch off your handphone for a day
9) Write an old fashion letter (pen and paper!) to someone
10) Hug someone you have never hugged before
11) Dance like you have never danced before

+++
10 Things Banker Wanker SHOULD Try To Do In The New Year To Preserve His Sanity

1) Quit Bankerland and open my beach bar and wear hawaiian shorts all day long
2) Tell that chick at Starbucks that she is real cute and ask if I can have her without cream please (to do after quitting)
3) Make some model houses from boxes lying around office, put them right in the middle of the department and start tearing through them like the monsters in Ultraman at the start of a working day (with the monster sounds and stilted walk)
4) Bring Bumblebee out and show him off to strangers etc, and refer to him as a "she"..."Yeah, she is cute huh..am so proud of her". Watch the confused and conflicted faces.
5) Introduce myself as Datuk Banker Wanker and see if they still call me Datuk the next time we meet
6) Play monastery music at cubicle every morning and chant BLR BLR BLRBLRBLR UP UP DOWN DOWN DOWN (repeat for 30 cycles)
7) Learn how to circular breath and tell the chicks that I can dive for abalone without coming up for air (with suggestive look)
8) Walk around funny talking loudly on the phone and laughing.. "No seriously..haha, its still up my ass, I am so going to win the bet dude, lunch is so on you"
9) Tell the bosses that I quit and throw the letter on the table. Opens the letter right there and show them a letter saying "Too Legit To Quit" and dance the MC Hammer dance out of the office
10) Dance like I have never danced before :)

We Have What It Takes

2009-12-17T16:58:00.000+08:00

Overheard in Bankerland:

Capon : "I need you on a taskforce"
Banker Wanker : *die* "What about?"
Capon : "Blah blah blah blah..."
Banker Wanker : *puts on neutral-quick-you-are-boring-me look* *mind drifts off to Jessica Biel's pecs and wonder if she can crack pistachios with her ass*
Banker Wanker thinks that the word taskforce is so apt...its a group of underpaid mid level managers (with senior leadership supervision kononnya) assembled to carry out a task that is forced unto them.

+++

Am currently listening to Sarah Maclachlan's greatest hits album. Her music speaks to my soul. I like.

+++

Overheard in Bankerland,later on the same day:

--Sidekick : "Banker Wanker, we have what it takes..."
Banker Wanker : "To do what?"
Sidekick :"We have what it takes...."
Banker Wanker : "Ok..."
Banker Wanker tries to go into zen mode to decipher this mind boggling piece of zen-nery from Sidekick.

+++

We have what it takes to achieve many things in life and to gain many things in life. But sometimes, we either do not recognize it or are to afraid to take the first step on the path towards rainbow skies and hot mince pies. Instead we putter along ambivalently, never ever fulfilling ones potential, feeling jaded and not knowing why the years are passing so quickly and uneventfully. By the time you know it, 40 is just around the corner and all you have to show for is 2 decades of mediocrity, 2 dozen of missed opportunities, 2 mortgages with no end of repayment in sight, 2 aging labradors that looks as jaded as you and 2 pages of things to do before you are 40..all unchecked. Perhaps its the order of the universe, natural selection so to speak. The ones that can differentiate themselves from the pack will reap the fruits of their labour while the rest continue their existence so that there is representation in the 95% quartile of the bell curve, the median, normal, average....oh, how I hate these words and I suspect competitive, ambitious, high achieving souls like Sidekick would balk and would rather have an extra nipple than be called average. Personally, the extra nipple might be a turn on :), but hell don't ever be average. I refuse to....that's a start. Let's go...

The Calm Before The Storm

2009-12-16T08:49:00.000+08:00

I really love this post from one of my favourite blogs, Marc and Angel.
I would really like to think that what I am going through now is part of a journey that is worth it at the end of the day.

+++

Overheard in Bankerland:

-- Capon :"Ok, what is CFO Interest Cover, the CFO?"
Banker Wanker : "Cashflow from operations"
Capon :"Why is my CFO negative?"
Banker Wanker :"Err....revenue negative? High receivables?" *trying to mask incredulous look*
Capon : "Yes, that is right, got high receivables" *walks away*
Banker Wanker thinks that if the question is for real, Capon should be shot with a pump gun up the ass, then screwed from behind by a 3 legged elephant. If the question is meant to create some form of conversation, it is as lame as his teeny weeny appendage down south.

+++

I think that some new analyst in Bankerland needs to be taught a thing or two about common courtesy. Rewind: I had the opportunity to interview one of the analyst and I gave a positive recommendation, which resulted in her employment in Bankerland. Forward : Its been 3 months, and she has not even said hi or greeted me at the lifts etc. Err, lack of common courtesy or maybe I look so different then that she cannot recognise me? Tragic.

+++

The last 3 months have truly been fluid, with so many developments and changes at home and in Bankerland. I have so much to say, but my state of emotional suspension and flux means I can't really focus and put down in writing some of my thoughts and feelings I have inside. Perhaps its a sub-conscious self-defense mechanism to try to shield my already jaded soul from the realities of my surroundings. Or perhaps I am increasingly receding into my shell, to find comfort and solace in my own silence, with the hope that the deafening silence will eventually mute the torrential turmoil that is blowing inside. Or perhaps, its the calm before the storm and if so, which part of me will survive the storm eventually? Something got to give, but I fear I have little to give anymore...

Serendipity

2009-12-11T14:56:00.001+08:00

Chance...

Life is full of chances, most of them are there for the taking only once and if you are truly lucky, second chances presents itself. Sometimes, its right infront of your face but you do not recognise it until much later and by then the sand of time would have shifted and the path you are on would mean you can never ever turn back. Life is full of regrets, so take more chances, so that you would have less of the former. At the least, if things don't work out, at least you have tried to walk the path, rather than just knowing the path.

Fate, Destiny...

If you truly believe in fate or destiny, fate must be the single most ironical aspect of life cause at the end of the day, irregardless of how hard you try to fight the grain, everything is fated. But some may ask that if everything is fated, then what is the point of trying to live? Might as well just leave it to fate and destiny? But fate sometimes serves a bigger purpose, where your fate or destiny is pre-ordained so that you can live. And the reality is, your fate, your destiny sometimes forms a wider pattern in God's overall plan and that you are meant to suffer, to not live for someone else's happiness or purpose.

I believe the road that you are suppose to walk on has huge spaces on the left and right that will allow you to stray far enough to make you feel like you are living but close enough such that you follow the path to what is fated, pre-ordained for you. The good thing about fate though is that once in a while, it throws you a curve ball that is totally unexpected and seemingly daunting at times, but always interesting and sometimes heart wrenching. Ain't these part of the kaleidoscope of what we call living?

+++

-- Banker Wanker :"I can't"
Booty Call :"Not free?"
Banker Wanker : "Am not in a good place now"
Booty Call :"Ok, will catch up soon?"
Banker Wanker "Definitely"
Banker Wanker smacks big forehead. Talk about chances.

+++

In Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time series, the term ta'veren is used and it describes "A person around whom the Wheel of Time weaves all surrounding life-threads, perhaps ALL life-threads, to form a Web of Destiny." Basically a person who is the centre to all and will affect everyone's life and path. I somehow feel that in my time in Bankerland and the recent resignation and those I know that are coming, I have met a Ta'veren and things would be different from here on with the person's departure.

Thanks for the memories Soulmate.

Ad Meliora...I Hope

2009-12-10T09:21:00.000+08:00

Had lunch with Midori recently and the conversation gravitated to the person Midori is dating, who is almost 10 years older. She has never dated younger or similar aged men before solely for the reason that she doesn't find them matured enough for her liking.

I wonder if its really age that determines the level of maturity or the conditioning/background/up-bringing/experiences that determines the level of maturity. I suppose being an aged person means you would have more experiences, but a young person could feasibly have an accelerated "life" such that the person is beyond his/her age. Food for thought.

+++

Capon : "Banker Wanker, what time is the meeting next week?"
Banker Wanker : "Capon, 9.30 a.m"
Capon : *Walks away without saying anything*
Banker Wanker : Mentally throws 100 shirukens towards Capon's slimy back.

Banker Wanker : "I will miss you"
Soulmate : "Me too"
Banker Wanker : "Life is such"
Soulmate : "Ce'st la vie"
Banker Wanker feels like 100 shirukens had just pierce through his heart.

Banker Wanker : "I don't have anything for myself, I have given too much. I just want something for myself"
The Queen : "Do you think I have much?"
Banker Wanker : "Your centre is family, mine has always been a different composite. In any case, for once, this conversation is not about you. Its about me"
Banker Wanker trying to be frank, but feels that he has to continue on this road of trepidation for Bumblebee's sake.

+++

Procastination is such a disease. For the longest time I have thought about branching out, leaving Bankerland and the corporate world and just having a swing at something entrepreneurial. Something deep down says that I have the tools for it, but making that first big step is like standing at the edge of the cliff of Niagara Falls, knowing that your one step needs to cover 1km across. Gulp. No balls, no rewards, no glory. But I feel that recent developments are pushing me towards that edge and very soon, I may have to make that big leap across the abyss and see where I land on the other side.

+++

I don't care what people say, and while I am not really a golfing fan, I think people should leave Tiger Woods alone cause he has a right to seek his own happiness and so be it if it takes the form of promiscuity and random sex. Go Tiger, go sink more birdies :)

Welcome to Bankerland

2009-12-09T09:54:00.004+08:00

Overheard in Bankerland this week:

--Small Dick :"Eh, Puchong Boy, where is my scientific calculator"
(Small Dick is actually quite threatened by Puchong Boy who is a newbie)
Puchong Boy :"In my bag, I am almost done with it"
Small Dick : "Faster la, I got some important calculations to do"
Banker Wanker : *Rolls eyes* ...yar right, calculating the length of
your dick issit?

-- General's Secretary : "Banker Wanker, can you drive boss to meeting
today? He got no car"
Banker Wanker : "Can, let me go and buy a car this morning first"
*with dead pan look*
General's Secretary : "Hehe" *nervous guffaw*
Bad enough I am underpaid, have to waste petrol from additional weight
in the car. Lan ciao bin.

--Banker Wanker : "Capon, this ain't my deal,its Babi Guling and his team
head's deal, what am I doing here and why am I running it?"
Capon : "The General wants you to be in because you know the client"
Banker Wanker : "But I already have so many on my plate, Baby Guling and his boss only have ONE deal currently"
Capon : :"Its ok, you can combine resources"
Banker Wanker : *Gives niamah smiling look*
Capon, I wish that you will grow a dick back, then we can capon you again just for the heck of it.

+++
Talent management, wow, what a buzz word. Bankerland is embarking on some talent management programme. They require "potential" candidates to fill up this lengthy profile form whick reeks of "Actually hor, we in HR do not really know who the talents are out there, so we are using this form and sending it to everyone who are holding senior managerial positions and above to see if there are any talents out there".

Banker Wanker :"Capon, you know about this?"
Capon :"Yes, you fall within the bank's critical talent pool for
high performers and have been identified as potential
successor in leadership sucession planning"
Banker Wanker only hears blah blah blah blah. Sharpens knife for capon session. *Smiling dementedly just thinking about it*

+++
Seriously, I think I have perfected my dead pan, blur sotong, look interested, smiling dementedly looks.

General :"We need to follow up with this client on the pitch, other banks
are infront apparently. Please call the finance manager to see
whats going on"
Banker Wanker : *Wide eyed, put on interested look* "Yes, yes, we should do that, ok got to go" *runs like a guy being chased by 5
butch females on Harley Davidson bikes adorned with
battery operated dildos*

+++

Goldman Sachs just got an advisory license in Kay-El. Any takers?

Sidekick - Redux

2009-12-08T17:42:00.000+08:00

Weekend Checklist:

-- Puts on game face and store Banker Wanker away. Check.
-- Thoughts on Soulmate and other soul wrenching thoughts and memories put away in secret hiding place. Check
-- Puts on armour and spikes to protect fragile heart. Check

Steps out to bravely face the weekend.

Monday morning : Back to Banker Wanker mode. It feels familiar and comforting.

+++

Unspoken, but I think Soulmate and myself have said our farewell and its time to move on, well, at least for Soulmate. As for me, I will fester and let time sooth the weary soul (unconvinced), until the next time something reminds me of the "what ifs", "what could have beens" and how life can be ironic and cruel at times. Sidekick once said, "We just got to keep on swimming" (from Dory of Finding Nemo).Ok Sidekick, Banker Wanker will continue to swim into the abyss.

I can't take so many farewells, so ain't attending some of them. Its like a scab that won't heal.

+++

I know I ain't jinxing anything anymore since its almost a done deal, but I wanted to tell Sidekick that I am really happy for you and that I will miss you in Bankerland. My happiness for you overides the sadness and we will always be inexorably linked by our time spent here in Bankerland, and that truly is something that have defined my life, who I am and what I will be in the future...I am certain and I feel lucky to have crossed paths with you. Thank you for teaching this old dog a trick or two and if you ever need "saving", you know where to find me, in my pseudo Batcave waiting to save the world again, with my Sidekick and confidante.

T.G.I.F NOT

2009-12-04T09:26:00.001+08:00

Songs that were playing in my head during this morning's 3a.m milk run for Bumblebee:

- Alone(Hearts)
- How Can I Tell Her (Lobo)
- Theme song from Airwolf (feeding Bumblebee feels like a mission. Cry.make milk asap.pick up.placement on lap.put napkin.aim teat into cavity.feed.burp.feed.burp.back to cot.DONE)

Current state of mind: Brewing between denial and acceptance, with a chance of prolonged mental anguish. Sunny days not expected in the foreseeable future, hailstorms and thunder likely. Cloudy skies definite.

+++

Overheard in Bankerland last month:
- "I think for this one, we need to doggy-style it la, bang bang"
- "We shall optimise our resources and ride this out"
Banker Wanker : "Niamah"
- "Fark, Lanciao (CEO) is a farker la. Smart and rich but with an EQ of an ant. Sorry, ants have higher EQ. Ok, ant poop"
Banker Wanker : "Muahahaha"

+++

My prophecies for next year:
- The economy will continue to be bearish though the job market in the financial sector would likely be fairly robust. There will be more attrition from Bankerland and there will be senior management movements, which will lead to even more attrition. Bankerland will continue to lose market share.
- Somebody is going to sleep with somebody in the office. It won't be Banker Wanker cause he never have such luck.(*throws away stupid 4 leaf clover and rabbit's foot*)
- A hot girl will join Bankerland, specifically, in Banker Wanker's department (oh God, let it be. *Rummages through bin for discarded 4 leaf clover and rabbit's foot*)

+++

What does it say when I don't look forward to weekends anymore?

Capon

2009-12-03T09:32:00.002+08:00

Yesterday, Capon(the boss, means a castrated cock) ambles over and started making some general comments on the status of a deal that I have been running solo since day 1 without much support. Trying to choke back my vomit consisting of a nice wantan mee and siew yoke lunch, the spiel reeks of "Oh, I better talk to my team heads once in a while to show that I STILL CARE and that I am on top of things". Jeez, great leadership skills Capon.*clap clap*

+++
I blame all these bitterness on the year-end-contemplative-lets reflect on my achievement mood. And this is further exacerbated by some changes in the Soulmate front. Basically, I see no reason to stay in Bankerland anymore, except for financial reasons.....but really, can one truly live for that reason alone? Of course the guilty, responsible part of me says that the financial aspect is important to the Hive and it pays for Bumblebee's milk powder, but I suppose some sacrifices and financial discipline might do the trick?

Fark, in my 30s and I am still in denial.

+++
I wonder if I were to drink enough umesyu, would my fart smell like plums?

I hate farewells.

+++

What happens when there's no more rhyme

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1ylfu_debbie-gibson-no-more-rhyme_music

65% for 100%

2009-12-02T09:28:00.001+08:00

From sleep deprived state of mind and after effects of 3 glasses of Umesyu and a glass of wine last night, during Bumblebee's 4a.m feed:

Hi, I am Banker Wanker, and I am an investment banker who specializes in giving you 65% of my effort while making you feel like you are getting 100%. Tomorrow, you will wake up feeling like a million buckeroos not knowing I have short changed you. Thank you for banking at Bankerland, the only bank that CAN and WILL satisfy you. *porcelain smile, flashing perfect white teeth*

Yesterday, Sidekick and I traded goss. It was overwhelming to the extent we had to load up on Japo food and umesyu (the ones that sat with me during my 4a.m milk run) after work, to sort of suss out what we knew. My conclusion is; Irregardless of what dark secrets you have lurking in the closet, you are still you and your real friends will always be there for you.

+++

So, truly, is it wrong to give 65% knowing that it is a 100% for the other person? Would it be considered cheating? (in the case of a relationship where one partner gives 65% effort into the relationship, and that 65% is good enough for the other partner). Can one be entirely happy giving 65% and leaving the rest of the 35% to someone else perhaps?

Damn, since when relationships were measured in percentages?

I am so screwed and it isn't even the pleasurable kind.

+++

An original piece by Banker Wanker:

She whispers her promises gently into my ears, words painted in hues of spring, but like spring, that bring promises of life and hope, summer like a distant echo looms beyond the hills, autumn lies in turn on the horizon, and therein lies sadness, embedded in winter’s cold silence.

Painted in hues of spring, promises of life and hope, she glides along caressing weary souls, gently whispering that all which troubles, is but for a moment, and that only is important, which is eternal.

A Collage Of Memories

2009-12-01T08:54:00.002+08:00

Its the final month of the year, how time flies.

--Just last night, I was Bumblebee's pillow...

--Last week, I told Sidekick the story, untold for 3 years...

--Last month, the team and I closed one of the largest issuance of the year and it didn't feel special anymore...

--Last year, I was running solo on a transaction that wasn't mine...

--Two years back, Grumps and I were in our seasonal melancholy mood...

--Three years back, unknowingly and unexpectedly, Soulmate appeared and never left...

"As if you could kill time without injuring eternity"...I tried at times, "stabbing" aimlessly at a moment that left me suspended and vulnerable only to realise I was in fact "stabbing" a part of me. And that is where I am now, stuck in a moment i can't get out (cue U2's song).

"Sekecil burung ke titi, adinda terbang ke hati kekanda, mengharapkan cinta yang mengunung"
"Walau patah sayap rajawali , bertongkat jua hamba kemari"

Sidekick

2009-11-30T17:15:00.002+08:00

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson..
Xena, Warrior Princess and Gabrielle..
Batman and Robin..
Porky Pig and Daffy Duck..
Pinky and The Brain..
Hiro Nakamura and Ando Masahashi..

These are just a few examples of the quintessential sidekick whose role is often time the perfect counterfoil to the hero/protagonist's character, physical presence or even state of mind. For example; an openly flamboyant effeminate sidekick may make an unimposing hero look more masculine; a strong, silent and modest hero may have his fighting qualities revealed by a talkative sidekick. The sidekick is often the confidant who knows the protagonist better than anyone else and gives a convincing reason to like the protagonist.

In Bankerland, I am fortunate enough to have someone whom I can call as my sidekick. Knowingly or otherwise, she has been a great friend, confidant and supporter in both my personal and work realms. It has been a great 3 years Sidekick and while I know our time in Bankerland is coming to a close, I will always cherish the memories. My only hope is that, at some point in the past, in the midst of my personal trials and tribulations, I had been enough of a friend for you to have called me your sidekick.

Priceless gems heard from Sidekick over the years
"I give a damn good head kay"

You are truly a gem.

Oh Well.....

2009-11-30T10:15:00.002+08:00

So here I am, in my 30s, embracing "new" technology to pen down my thoughts in this freshly minted blog. Surprisingly, considering how sleep deprived I have been in the last few weeks and the state of mind I have been for the longest time, I am determined to make time for this, perhaps as an avenue to seek solace and comfort from the fact that I have, at last, something that truly belongs to me.

Sleep depravation : It does funny things to you. Bumblebee is 6 weeks now and he is truly an eating, farting, crying machine with a case of colic that will put him in the running for the national level top ten most colicky baby competition (The winner gets an all-expense-paid night out hitting the bottles with his/her dad...ok, lame joke). On those 3a.m weekday feeds (my shift, the Queen does the rest on a weekday), it never fails to surprise how much Bumblebee resembles me. And in my sleep deprived state, there is a level of sadness too that accompanies it. Am truly lost in the vortex of oblivion.

Ya'all keep on coming back yeh *southern drawl*......